Halt Goes to the Dentist
by Xayhra
Summary: Halt goes to the dentist and tons of weird stuff happens. Erak ambushes Halt, Halt has a dream about two girls arguing about. . . something, and who knows what else! My first fanfic! Please don't kill me! A bit of a crackfic. Absolutely OOC. Read at your own risk.
1. Chapter 1

**Hi. This is my first fanfic, so don't kill me please! The person named Morea in this story is the same best friend I mentioned on my page (if you read that.) I know they didn't really have dentists or drugs to knock you out back then but I was bored. Sorry for any grammar/spelling mistakes. I tried my best. Oh, and the gay captain is Captain Shakespeare from the movie Stardust.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Stardust, Ranger's Apprentice, or YouTube (do I need a disclaimer for YouTube?)**

Halt hated going to the dentist, but now that he had to have a tooth pulled, he hated it even more. And since his tooth was at an angle, he had to have surgery. That meant Halt would be pumped full of drugs, and he'd lose awareness of his surroundings. He sighed. Even worse, Gilan and Will were supposed to pick him up from the dentist's.

Halt finally reached Castle Redmont. The soldiers at the gate nodded to Halt and let him pass. A stable hand came up to Halt. Halt reluctantly dismounted and handed Abelard's reins to the stable hand.

He walked toward the small red stone building at the edge of the courtyard. Halt walked into the building and was greeted by the receptionist's cheery, "Hello, Ranger Halt, just sign here," the receptionist pointed to a box on a piece of paper and Halt signed. "Now, why don't you sit down? The doctor will be with you soon."

Halt did as he was told, and waited despondently for his turn. _I bet Gilan will come up with some kind of plan to mess with me when I can't defend myself_, Halt thought with a groan. Just then a nurse called, "Ranger Halt?"

Halt got up and followed the nurse down a hallway to a small, square room. Halt entered and the nurse left, presumably to attend to some aspect of his upcoming surgery. Dr. Arnold sat on a stool in a corner of the room. "Good Morning, Ranger Halt. Are you nervous for your upcoming surgery?"

"No," Halt lied. He was more nervous than he'd ever even told Pauline. In fact, he'd rather fight the battle at Hackham Heath again than do this.

"Yes, of course, silly of me to ask," Dr. Arnold said. "Well, might as get this show on the road. Ranger Halt, if you'll just sit over here. . ." The doctor pointed to a chair in the middle of the room. Halt gingerly sat down. "And we'll just have to inject this into you, if you don't mind, and when you wake up you'll be a bit groggy and you probably won't be able to feel your mouth, alright? Are you ready?"

Halt nodded curtly. He just wanted to get this over with. "You'll black out in about ten seconds." Dr. Arnold said and stabbed a needle into Halt's arm, pushing the plunger thing down.

Halt counted to five and then started, "I—" before everything went black.

The next thing Halt was aware of was Will's voice asking an ever-present question. "What's this do? Do you cut people with it? Did you use it on Halt?"

"Will, leave the poor doctor alone." Another voice said. Hold on. Was that Crowley? Halt was a bit confused. It couldn't be one of the nurses or receptionists because they would have addressed Will as Ranger Will. And Crowley wasn't supposed to be here. Will and Gilan were only supposed to be here, no one else. Then Halt realized what had happened as he heard Horace pipe up that he thought Halt was actually alive. Will and Gilan had brought Crowley and Horace along with them. Halt groaned, _now_ not only did he have to keep Gilan and Will from doing something horrible to him, but he had to watch out for Crowley and Horace too.

"It's alive!" Gilan shouted, then added, "You are, right, Halt?"

Halt cracked open his eyes to behold Gilan staring at him like an idiot and Will with an enormous idiotic smile on his face. Halt couldn't see Horace or Crowley. "If I wasn't, could I answer that?" Halt's head really hurt. He couldn't think straight either.

"Well, his sense of humor is intact, at least." Crowley said brightly.

Halt chose to ignore that comment. "Now, Ranger Halt, I want you to take one of these pills every two hours, okay?" Dr. Arnold said.

Halt nodded and stood up. That wasn't the greatest thing he'd ever done. His head swam and he felt all dizzy. "Just get me home." Halt said.

Crowley helped Halt to walk out of the room and down the hallway to the waiting room. They walked up to the front desk to pay. "Five crowns, please, and sign here," the receptionist said. Halt did as he was told.

Halt exited the building on Crowley's shoulder; while Will was asking Horace a question and Gilan picked his nose. Halt shook his head, which just made it hurt more. What were his former apprentices coming to? Who knows why Jenny liked Gilan. And how did Alyss deal with Will's questions? That definitely was the question of the decade.

Halt entered the keep and climbed the stairs up to his and Pauline's apartment. Pauline was out on a mission about some peace treaty or another in Arrida. It was probably best she wasn't here. He'd probably say something to her and then Horace would give him a weird glance, and everything would get hectic from then.

Halt handed Crowley the key to the apartment. Crowley unlocked the door and handed the key back to Halt without a word and walked in. "Couch or bed?" Crowley asked.

"Couch," Halt replied and Crowley led him to the couch. Halt sat down and then realized Will hadn't asked him a single question in about five minutes. That was scary. What if Will had suddenly gotten a horrible disease? Halt glanced up at Will, who was opening his mouth for a question. _Oh, good, _Halt thought, _he hasn't gotten a horrible disease. _

"Halt, does your head hurt?" Will asked.

"Yes. . ."Halt didn't think this could go anywhere good.

"Will you say things without realizing you said them?"

"No," this definitely wasn't looking good.

"When were you first in love with Pauline?" Horace asked.

"When I was about your age," Halt said without realizing it.

"So, Halt, why don't you tell us about that day," Crowley suggested.

"No."

"Come on, Halt. You know you want to."

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because."

"Because why?"

"Because I said so."

"Why did you say so?"

"Because I said it."

"Why—"

"For heaven's sake, shut up!" Halt yelled, then more quietly, "Ouch. Can you guys just leave me alone for a while? I'm tired."

"Oh, sure, Halt. Sorry, Halt." They all said apologetically. They walked to the kitchen and left him alone.

Halt sighed. He was really tired . . . if only he could fall . . . asleep . . . .

"_You shouldn't write this fanfiction like this." A tall, blond-haired girl said._

_ "Why? It all works," another girl, this one shorter with curly brown hair, asked._

_ "'Cause it's annoying," the first girl answered._

_ "How? Come on, Morea. There is no such thing as annoying writing. Especially mine."_

_ "Uh, Xayh, missing commas? Nothing capitalized? You complain about it all the time." The girl, who apparently was named Morea, said._

_ "I forgot about that. Anyways, back to the point, why shouldn't I write my fanfiction like this? How else would I write it?"_

_ "Like this."_

_Xayh: Like—oh. . . ._

_Morea: See what I mean? So much easier._

_Xayh: Not really. You're not the one who has to write your name fifteen billion times._

_Morea: You've only written it twice. The good thing about writing it like this is you can be more random._

_Xayh: Wait, hold on. [suddenly screams] IT'S THE GAY CAPTIAN!_

_Both: [burst out laughing]_

_Morea: [screams at anyone crazy enough to read something this horrible] Just go with it!_

"_Okay, back to normal. We're falling off course." Xayh said._

"_No, duh. Randomness rules!" Morea crowed._

"_Yeah, it's the picture of epicness. Hey! Epicness isn't a real word." Xayh exclaimed. _

_Morea's eyes widened. "Noooooooo!" Then she said sarcastically, "My life is ruined. Seriously, Xayh. How did you know anyway?"_

"'_Cause it has those red squiggly thingamajigies under it." _

"_It's called Spellcheck." Morea rolled her eyes._

"_Yeah. . . . I hate all those ads on YouTube."_

"_Um, why did you put that? Halt doesn't even know what YouTube is." _

"_He's not going to remember this when he wakes up."_

"_Then why are you writing this?" Morea yelled._

"_One, you told me to. Two, this started out serious and I got bored so I wanted to make it random. Three, waiting for Halt to wake up is boring."_

"_Humph. I didn't tell you to write it in a dream. You didn't really need the gay captain part, though. No one will get it."_

"_I did to need the gay captain part." Xayh protested. "Hey! I'm over a thousand words!"_

"_Well, Halt's dream has been, like, one and a half Microsoft Word pages long." Morea pointed out. _

"_True, true. . . ." Xayh muttered._

**Please review! I hope you enjoyed it. Or, at least, it wasn't the worst thing you've ever read.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Sorry for any grammar/spelling mistakes.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Ranger's Apprentice or Sesame Street.**

"AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Halt jerked awake. "What the—" Then he saw Erak and Svengal grinning down at him. "What are you doing here?!"

They grinned and Horace, Will, Gilan, and Crowley came into the living room. They were all laughing hysterically. Halt glared at them. "Well, Halt, you see, we heard that you were going to be pumped full of awareness striping drugs. We just couldn't resist!" Erak said evilly.

"Halt," Gilan interrupted, "how could you have not heard them?"

"Because I was pumped full of drugs, like Erak said. You need to get your ears checked. Anyway, I was having a really weird dream. . . ."

"Was it about Pauline?" Crowley teased.

If looks could kill, Crowley would be long dead. "No."

"Is that so?" Erak asked, grinning. "If you would be so kind, could you enlighten us on what that dream was about?"

Well, it didn't look like Halt was going to get out of this one. "I don't really remember what it was about. . . ."

"Try to remember as much as you can," Horace told him.

"I did."

"No, you didn't."

"Fine. It was something about a happy captain and a tube."

"No Pauline?" Crowley was grinning and Gilan and Will were trying overly hard to hide their smiles. Horace, Svengal, and Erak were outright chuckling.

Halt decided to ignore Crowley, and said to Svengal, more to irk him than anything, "I think Wolfwill is a better ship than Wolfwind."

Svengal glared at him. "What's wrong with Wolfwind?"

This was starting to get interesting. "Because it doesn't have that triangular two-sail thing, that's why."

"You don't know what you're talking about, Halt," Svengal said flatly.

"Uh-oh, big mistake, Svengal," Will warned, his eyes wide.

"What did you just say?" Halt thundered.

Svengal's eyes widened in terror and he squeaked, "Nothing, Halt, nothing at all." It was quite comical, actually, to hear such a high-pitched voice come out of such a large man.

Gilan snorted, "You sound like a girl!" Everyone sniggered impolitely. Svengal gave them all world-class glares.

"Halt, do you like kittens or puppies better?" Will asked irrelevantly.

Halt knew it was useless to try to dodge the question, so he just sighed and answered the question, "Puppies."

"Awwwwwwww," everyone said. Halt glared at them.

"Do you like unicorns?"

"No."

"How about dragons?"

"Better than unicorns."

"How many scoops of honey do you put in your coffee?"

"Three."

"Do you like Tug or Blaze better?"

"Blaze."

"Yeah! I told you, Will! I told you!" Gilan exclaimed.

"Nooooooooo . . ." Will cried.

Halt glared at him. "If you keep that continuing 'nooooo' sound up, I'll make you sleep in a pine tree."

Will stopped. He remembered the day when he had decided singing "Graybeard Halt" when Halt was around. "How can you like Blaze better than Tug? Tug will be so disappointed!"

"Blaze doesn't eat all the apples. And I don't care if Tug is disappointed."

"Well, Halt, you're—you're a meanie!" Will screamed.

"Halt, are you absolutely sure you were Will's mentor?" Crowley asked.

"You know, one would think that Will could think up a better insult, being your apprentice and all." Erak was having way too much fun.

"Crowley, shut up. You too, Erak."

Out of the blue Will asked, "Is 'down the well' a prepositional phrase?"

"Yes," Halt answered warily.

"Let's throw Halt down the well!" Gilan screamed.

"I'll kill you if you do," Halt warned.

"You wouldn't, Halt!" Gilan exclaimed, incredulous.

"Oh, yes, I will."

"Yeah," Erak agreed manically, "and when Halt sees all Gilan's guts all over the place, we'll shove him on a boat and give him Svengal's helmet to throw up in."

Halt glared at Erak so hard that everyone else in the room swore they could feel Halt glaring at them, too.

It was a good thing then, that Horace broke the silence by announcing, "I gotta pee."

Everyone stopped staring at Erak and Halt to stare incredulously at Horace. "Why, exactly," Halt started, stressing the 'why', "do we care if you have to pee? In fact, I can see many reasons why we would not like to know that you have to pee."

"Well. . . I dunno where the bathroom is. . . ." Horace mumbled.

"I can fix that," Halt was grinning evilly. "All you have to do is take a four-week ride to Gallica, visit the ruins of Deparnieux's château, find a half-burnt chamber pot, and pee."

Unfortunately, very unfortunately, Horace was not as hard to fool as he was when he was younger. "I do not. In fact, I would probably die because my bowels would probably explode. Where's your bathroom, Halt?"

Everyone cringed at Horace's description of what would happen to him. "Halt, just tell him where the bathroom is," Crowley pleaded.

"Fine," Halt sighed. "It's down that hallway and second door on the right."

"Thanks, Halt," Horace grinned and started down the hallway.

"Why are you so happy that Halt told you where the bathroom was?" Will asked to Horace's retreating back.

"Don't ask questions like that, Will," Crowley admonished. Will gave him a curious glance but let it go.

"COOKIES!" Gilan yelled.

Everyone gave him you've-finally-gone-insane looks. "Does anyone have cookies?!" Gilan screamed.

They all exchanged ah-ha-so-that's-why-he-likes-Jenny-so-much looks. "No, there are not any cookies." Halt said slowly, as if talking to someone very stupid, which wasn't that far from the truth.

"I like cookies! Like Cookie Monster!" Gilan shouted, grinning ecstatically.

"Who the heck's Cookie Monster?" Will asked.

"He likes cookies!"

"I gathered that," Halt said drily.

"He's blue! And Furry! And was briefly replaced with Veggie Monster! I hate veggies!"

"Me too," The Skandians said in unison.

"You're blue and furry?" Crowley said, deliberately misunderstanding. Horace returned from the bathroom at the exact moment Crowley asked the question.

"Who's blue and furry?" Horace asked.

"Erak and Svengal," Crowley said, grinning.

"Whoa! No way!" Gilan gasped. "Are you like Cookie Monster?"

"For heaven's sake, no. I have no idea what this Cookie Wargal is." Erak groaned.

"It's Cookie Monster!" Gilan corrected. "C stands for Cookie!"

Halt sighed. This was going to be a long day.

**I purposely made the characters (especially Gilan) a bit weird. OK, please review. Even to tell me any mistakes I made! Tell me how much you hated or liked it! Tell me your favorite part! Tell me if it was funny! Give me ideas! If I like them I might use them (I'll give you the credit of course)! **


	3. Chapter 3

**Sorry for any spelling/grammar mistakes. Oh, by the way, in here Halt is about sixty years old. I realize that Entertainment Tonight wasn't even around until like the twentieth century, but it's random. I like random. Look on Morea24's page, you'll see what I mean. I made John Roland up. I have no idea who he is. FYI: I don't like One Direction. Well, besides the accents and Louis is really funny, but I don't really like them.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Ranger's Apprentice, Entertainment Tonight, or anything in relation to One Direction. (I don't know if I need a disclaimer for that. . .)**

"So, Halt," Crowley drawled, "Remember when we had to do that mission in Toscana about thirty years ago, and we had to get there by boat?"

"Is that when you learned Halt gets sea—" Horace shut up when he saw Halt's I-will-torture-you-within-an-inch-of-your-life glare.

"Yes, in fact, Horace, it was that particular time that I learned that Halt gets _seasick_." Crowley continued, completely ignoring Halt's signature I-will-torture-you-_way_-more-than-the-time-you-stole-my-coffee glare.

"Please tell me he didn't throw up in someone's helmet," Erak moaned, remembering the time when Halt had puked in Gordoff's helmet.

"No one there was a Skandian, Erak," Crowley placated. "But Halt made these awful retching noises. If there was an Olympic sport for retching noises, Halt would have won gold."

Everyone cringed. Will stared wide-eyed at Halt. "No, Halt, that's awful! You never told me this!" Then to Crowley, "Did he look grass green or olive green or pine green? Is that even possible? Pine green, I mean."

"I'm sure it's possible—" Crowley was cut off.

"And I'll show you how possible it is. All you have to do is strangle someone like Crowley. And, when that person starts to turn from purple to blue, there is a tinge of pine green. Now, Crowley, if you would just come right over here. . . ." Halt said malevolently.

Crowley rubbed his neck, "I think I'm good, Halt."

Halt grinned as twistedly and maliciously as he could, which is quite chilling, to say the least. "You think, but are you sure?"

"I'm sure."

"But are you absolutely sure?"

"I'm absolutely sure."

"Are you sure that you're absolutely sure?"

"Yes."

"Yes what?"

"Yes, I'm sure that I'm absolutely sure."

"Are you absolutely sure that you're absolutely sure?"

"Yes! I'm absolutely sure that I'm absolutely sure. I won't mention it again, Halt! I swear."

"You won't mention what again?"

"The mission in Toscana."

"And what happened on this mission in Toscana?"

"What mission in Toscana?"

Halt nodded, satisfied. That was one good thing about the day so far; he got to get back at Crowley.

The door was suddenly flung open. "Oh, my gosh, did you see that interview John Roland did with Niall last night? Niall is soooooo cute!" Cassandra exclaimed, as she and Alyss walked into the room.

"I so saw it! I think Louis's cuter! He's so funny." Alyss said dreamily.

"Noooooo," Will and Horace screamed. They started crying. Halt sighed. Young men were so shallow. Their girlfriends were too.

"Who the heck are Niall and Louis?" Erak asked.

"How do you not know who Niall and Louis are?" the girls looked completely shocked. "They're only the cutest guys in One Direction!"

Everyone except Will and Horace, who were still crying, and Halt, who never showed emotion, looked completely confused. "Huh?"

"One Direction! All the guys are from England and Ireland."

All the Rangers and Skandians were completely confused. "Where the heck are England and Ireland?"

"They're the Araluen and Skandia of a strange world."

The Rangers and Skandians frowned at that. "Does that mean there are other Rangers?" Crowley asked. This could be bad. They wouldn't have the element of surprise if the other country had Rangers too. Erak was thinking that if there was another Skandia, they might be competition in raiding.

"No. They have like FBI and CIA or something. Did you hear that thing about Harry on Entertainment Tonight?" Alyss said.

"That he dated a woman who was, like, ten years older than him?"

"Yeah, isn't that so, like, gross?" Crowley mimicked the girls, saying 'gross' as two syllables.

The girls glared daggers at him, which Crowley ignored. He had been glared at by Halt many times; the girls were nothing. Horace and Will stopped crying. Halt rolled his eyes. Gilan ran to the window and shouted, "Squirrel!" Svengal shifted in discomfort. Erak sharpened his battleax.

The door was flung open and Selethen, Shigeru, King Sean, and King Duncan stalked into the room. "Sorry we're late! Hold up at the boats!" Shigeru apologized. Alyss bobbed a curtsy like a true Diplomat. Cassandra abruptly sat down on the floor. Crowley's eyes widened. Horace stared in horror at his king, his cheeks still streaked with drying tears. Will opened his mouth to ask a question then stopped. Gilan screamed and ran down the hallway to hide under Halt's bed. Svengal grabbed Gilan and held him in place. Erak dropped his battleax.

Then The Thing happened that will _never_ happen again. Halt's jaw dropped. Everyone's eyes turned to Halt and they gasped. "IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD!" Will screamed and made a break for it. Luckily, Erak grabbed the back of his cloak and pulled him back. Halt composed himself and gave everyone his patented If-you-tell-anybody-about-this-I-will-personally-track-you-down-and-kill-you glare. They all nodded fiercely.

"Alright, no disrespect, Your Highnesses, but why are you here?" Crowley addressed the Wakir, emperor, and kings.

"Well," King Duncan started, "I heard that Halt was going to have surgery and that he'd be all loopy. I told Oberjarl Erak, Emperor Shigeru, King Sean, and Wakir Selethen. We decided to pay a visit to Halt while he was still loopy."

"Umm. . . " Halt really didn't like that the rulers of Araluen, Skandia, Nijon-Ja, Arrida, and Clonmel were there. "Why, exactly, would you want to see me when I'm loopy?"

"Because, Uncle, we thought you might do something funny," King Sean muttered.

Halt glared at the five rulers. They looked at everything but Halt. "Well?" He prompted.

"Sorry, Halt," the emperor, kings, Wakir, and Oberjarl said, ashamed.

Halt nodded. It was a bit weird that his king and the rulers of four other countries were apologizing to him. "How did you figure out about this anyway?" he asked King Duncan.

"Cassandra told me." He replied.

Halt looked to Cassandra. "Horace." She muttered, not looking him in the eye.

Halt glared at Horace. "Crowley." Halt glared at him some more. "Fine!" Horace yelled, "It was Will."

Halt gave his former apprentice his very best glare. "I'm sorry, Halt!" Will started to cry.

Halt didn't let up. He stalked forward and moved his hand to the hilt of his saxe knife. Then genius struck Will. "What would Pauline say?" Will asked.

Halt froze. "Erm, to be continued."

**Oh, the last thing Halt said isn't saying that Pauline would say that, it's saying Halt's argument with Will is going to be continued at a later date. I made up a lot of different glares for Halt. So much fun! I don't really like this chapter. I was running out of ideas and then I came up with the idea that Selethen, King Duncan, King Sean, and Shigeru randomly appeared. So, anyways, please review. These chapters seem to be getting shorter. . . . Oh, I posted a story Thursday and it was Valentine's Day, so, yeah, happy belated Valentine's day!**


	4. Chapter 4

**OK, thanks to Guest review from FarmersDaughter! Your review made my day! I loved your suggestion and it fit perfectly into what I was going to do for this chapter. I will point out in the author's notes at the end of this fic what her suggestion was. Oh, and to FarmersDaughter: Do you have an account on this website? I'll look you up if you do. Also thanks to Writer-born-from-Shadows for her review. Sorry for any spelling/grammar mistakes. Wow. I hadn't realized how many people I had in Halt's room, 13.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Ranger's Apprentice or Star Wars.**

"OK." Crowley surveyed the crowded room. Halt lay on the couch glaring at Will and Gilan, who were whispering and intermittently glancing and pointing at Halt. Erak was sitting in a chair and massaging the foot his battleax had fallen on. Svengal was examining his finger nails. Shigeru and Selethen were debating something that had to do with politics. Alyss and Cassandra were gushing about One Direction again. Horace was looking for something in his pockets. King Sean and King Duncan were complaining about chamberlains. Crowley made a mental note to tell Lord Anthony about that and said, "Who wants coffee?"

The Rangers looked at him. "No, duh, Crowley," Halt said, "We're _Rangers_, it would be weird if we didn't want coffee."

Crowley rolled his eyes. "Where is your coffee?"

"I've got _kafay_." Selethen said smugly. "I'm not going to give it to you though."

All the Ranger's stopped what they were doing. "EVERYONE PILE ON SELETHEN!" Gilan screamed, finally giving a good idea. Gilan, Halt, Will, and Crowley ran at Selethen and jumped on him.

Erak, King Duncan, King Sean, and Shigeru looked at each other and shrugged. "Let's get 'em, boys!" Erak yelled, and they ran and jumped on the writhing mass of bodies.

Svengal ran after his Oberjarl into the mass. Horace sprinted after Svengal in an effort to impress Cassandra. Cassandra and Alyss grabbed the satchel Selethen had left by the door. Alyss opened it and sure enough the _kafay_ was in there. They glanced at each other, "Should we tell them?" Alyss asked.

Cassandra grinned. "Wait a few minutes. I think I see Horace's abs."

Alyss grinned back, and pulled binoculars out of her purse. "Luckily," she said, "I brought these." They proceeded to take turns looking at Horace and Will through the binoculars, oohing and ahhing.

Eventually, the men realized what was going on. Then Horace, acting like the idiot he is, took off his shirt. Cassandra fainted in hotness-of-husband overload. King Duncan marched up to Horace and smacked him up side the face. "WHAT KIND OF FUTURE KING DOES THAT?" he yelled.

"Ow!" Horace exclaimed.

Halt rolled his eyes, walked over to the stupefied Alyss—what was this world coming to?—, and snatched the bag away from her. "Coffee." He announced.

All eyes went to Halt. "Now, why didn't _I_ think of that?" Gilan whined.

"Because you're an idiot," Halt broke in. "Horace, put your shirt back on."

"Why, Halt? Don't you like my abs?"

"No."

Horace glowered at him and pulled on the shirt. Halt handed the coffee to Crowley. Crowley started to march into kitchen, then stopped and said, "That reminds me, you're supposed to take these pills, Halt." Crowley handed Halt one of the pills Dr. Arnold had given Halt. Halt eyed it then put it in his mouth to swallow it. Crowley went into the kitchen to make coffee.

At that moment, the door was flung open. Baron Arald stormed into the room, Ebony following at his heels. "Why, exactly," the baron shouted, exasperated, "Will, is your annoyingly imprudent _dog_ in _my_ quarters?!"

"Oh that's what I did with her! I forgot if she was in Halt's bathroom or your quarters or King Duncan's office. But then again Horace didn't say anything when he went to the bathroom, and King Duncan said nothing about her being in his office when he got here. What's 'imprudent' mean?" Will mused with a look of complete wonderment.

Then Baron Arald saw King Duncan and the four other rulers. He gasped and bowed clumsily. "K-king Duncan!"

"Yeah, duh," Will cut off the king, "Who did you think he was? Your mother? What does 'imprudent' mean?"

Halt rolled his eyes. "Do not cut off the king, and do not refer to him as Arald's _mother_ or any other of his relatives. 'Imprudent' means to not express care for the consequences of an action; rash."

"That doesn't really describe Ebony. Did you get that from a dictionary, Halt?" Alyss asked.

"No, Google." Halt said.

"Luke, I am your father!" Gilan shouted.

"Okkkaaaayyyyy . . ." everyone said.

"Let's hope that never happens," Halt muttered.

"Darth Vader!" Gilan screamed.

"Here we go again." They groaned, to the bewilderment of Arald. Halt had told those who hadn't seen the Cookie Monster scene what had transpired.

"In a Galaxy far, far away—wait, is that from Star Wars?" Gilan said then screamed, "The Death Star!"

"The who?" Shigeru inquired.

"The Emperor Strikes Back!"

"I did not." Shigeru protested.

"It's The Empire Strikes Back, Gilan." Crowley called from the kitchen.

"Peanut butter jelly time!" Gilan abandoned Star Wars and changed to nonsensical songs. "I'ma banana! Do you like pancakes? I like pancakes! Do you like waffles? I like waffles! I ain't got no iPhone!"

Baron Arald ran out the door, shutting it on Ebony's nose. All the rulers, Svengal, Horace, and the girls put their hands over their ears, some had tears streaming done their faces. Will ran to the kitchen, hands over his ears. Halt screamed and followed Will into the kitchen. "Crowley! Help meeeeeeeeee! It's HORRIBLE! The humanity!"

Sadly, Crowley couldn't help Halt (as he was in the fettle position; don't tell him I told you that!)—but Will could. When Will had run into the kitchen, he had seen that the coffee was done. Being the Ranger that he is, he grabbed the pot and poured the coffee into a mug.

Now, Will sat at the kitchen table, drinking the coffee. Halt, being Will's mentor and another Ranger, grabbed the handle of Will's mug and snatched it away from him. "Halt!" Will cried, "Don't drink from the Goblet of Epicness!"

Halt laughed evilly and downed a big gulp of coffee. "Sadly, 'epicness' isn't a word."

**So maybe not the best place to end, but it was over 1,000 words and I'm running out of ideas sooo my next update might take a while. (I wonder what would happen if some certain people put some suggestions in reviews . . . .) Anyways (pronouncing it like entivays), FramersDaughters' suggestion was to have Halt steal one of his apprentices' coffee. So I hope you liked it! And I don't own any of the random songs. I don't even know what they are called. You know, that gives me an idea. MWAHAHAHA! What? Evil laughter? I don't know what you mean.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Thank you Guest reviewer FarmersDaughter and normal reviewer (that doesn't sound right. . . .) Writer-born-from-Shadows for their reviews! Things to say to Farmers Daughter 'cause I can't PM her: Aw, dang, you should convince your dad to let you get an account. XD I like your suggestion and I'm gonna use it! Why can't I remember who Bryan Adams is? (End talking to FarmersDaughter) I will point out at the end of the story what FarmersDaughter's and Writer-born-from-Shadows' suggestions were. I also got an idea from Morea24 and I couldn't remember it but now I do! Sorry for any spelling/grammar mistakes.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Ranger's Apprentice or Pillow Pets or Duncan Donuts or Apple or the Inheritance Cycle or Batman or Superman. (I kept adding to this as I went.)**

After things had calmed down, Erak decided to try some coffee. Sadly, and predictably, Skandians and fragile glass coffee pots don't mix.

Erak reached out and knocked the coffee pot down. The Rangers all saw the coffee pot fall and shatter in slow motion. "Noooooooooooooooooo . . . ." Halt and Crowley yelled. Gilan fainted in horror. Will slipped on the floor and fell on his back, and he started to cry.

Then the Rangers rushed at Erak. "Kill him!"

"Now, now," King Duncan interrupted. "I'm the king of Araluen. I'm sure I can get another coffee pot. In fact, Gilan, you know Jenny. Why don't you call her and ask her for a coffee pot?"

"OK!" Gilan said, smiling. The Ranger's stopped running at Erak.

"No!" Halt yelled. "We must have coffee now!"

"Halt, calm down. I will go to Duncan Donuts and buy some coffees." Duncan said.

Will snorted, "Duncan goes to Duncan Donuts!" King Duncan glared at him.

Gilan ignored this exchange and pulled out his iPhone 4. He dialed and said, "Hi, Jenny! I need a coffee pot. Why? Erak broke Halt's coffee pot. Well, Erak isn't the only one here. There's Duncan, Sean, Selethen, and Shigeru. Sean's the king of Clonmel. Don't worry! Just get the coffee pot, OK? Bye-bye!" Gilan hung up. "OK, Jen's getting the coffee pot."

Duncan shrugged. "Don't do anything horrible while I'm gone." He walked to the door and left.

Several minutes later, Halt covered his eyes and yelled, "Noooo! It's the Evil Unchangeable Annoying Pillow Pet Army of Death, Doom, and Destruction! WE'RE GONNA DIE!" Halt started hyperventilating.

Crowley walked over and grabbed Halt by the arm. "Halt, let's sit down, all right?"

"No!" Halt shouted. "They're forcing me to sing!"

"Halt, you're not singing. Come on, just sit down, okay?" Crowley soothed.

"No! I have to sing or I will never see coffee again!" Then Halt started to sing. "It's a Pillow! It's a Pet! It's a Pillow Pet!"

Everyone stared at Halt. "Okey . . . those are some _strong_ sedatives." Svengal muttered.

Halt stopped singing and screamed, "It's Galbatorix the Pillow Pet Master General Wizard! We're all gonna DIE! Eragon save us!"

"Galbacooties?" Will asked.

"COOKIES!" Gilan screamed.

Crowley pulled Halt on the couch and made him sit there.

The door opened and Jenny appeared, carrying the coffee pot in her hands. She beheld a scene of chaos. Crowley was wrestling with Halt to keep him on the couch. Gilan was running around and bumping into things like a demented headless bear. Will was asking Svengal and Erak pointless questions. Ebony was standing by the door and whining. Horace and Cassandra were standing in a corner about to make out. Shigeru and Selethen were complaining about "young men these days." King Sean and Alyss were jumping on a mini trampoline that had somehow appeared.

Jenny, like a true pupil of Master Chubb, walked straight up to Horace, Crowley, Gilan, Halt, Will, Shigeru, Erak, Svengal, Selethen, King Sean, Alyss, and Cassandra and wrapped them all on their heads with her ladle. "Now," she shouted, "I want all of you to shape up."

Will started to cry and said, "Then the Magnificent Goddesses and Gods of FanFiction will be mad at us!"

Jenny ignored him. "All of you are acting like annoying seventh graders! To start off I want Will to stop crying and Gilan to stop running around. Horace and Cassandra, no one wants to see you make out. Halt, stop struggling and, Crowley, don't hold him down. King Sean and Alyss, you two should be ashamed of yourselves! Jumping around on that trampoline and being a king and a Diplomat!"

Everyone complied. Duncan walked in. "So, they didn't have coffee so I bought frappes." He handed them out and Jenny walked to the kitchen to start making normal coffee.

Halt had calmed down and warily accepted the frappe. He took a sip. "Oh! It's awful!" He screamed.

It was followed by screams of, "Oh the coffanity," "It's a horrible waste of good coffee," and one lonely "It's pretty good actually."

The Rangers stopped. Halt and Crowley looked horrified. Gilan gasped. The three of them stared at Will, who was sipping his frappe contentedly.

"No!" the three other Rangers screamed.

"Why?" Halt yelled.

"It's an abomination to the corps!" Crowley cried.

"Puppies!" Gilan shrieked.

Will looked around him. "Fine!" Will started to cry. "I'm going to find Tug! He appreciates me, unlike all of you!" And with that Will ran out of the room, frappe in hand.

"Well. . . ." Everyone muttered after a long silence.

Jenny appeared from the kitchen. "Coffee's done! Where'd Will go?"

"He needed some help." Erak said.

"Never," almost everyone muttered or some variation thereof. Gilan didn't say anything, as he thought Will was quite sane, and continued playing with his Batman and Superman action figures.

Everyone squeezed into the kitchen. Jenny handed coffee to those who wanted it. Halt rolled his eyes to heaven as Gilan ran around, holding his Superman action figure in the air, and making plane noises. Honestly, Halt thought, he's almost thirty-two.

Half an hour later, Cassandra and Alyss disappeared for their monthly Girls' Night. Shigeru glanced at the clock. "Well, would you take a look at that," he said, "It's six already." Everyone pointedly did not look at the clock.

So, as everyone sat on the floor or the couch and either dozed, read a book, played quietly with their toys, watched movies on their assorted iPads and other electronics, or, in the case of Ebony, licked the crumbs off of the Skandian's hands, it started to rain.

Several minutes later, Will appeared through the doorway, an unhappy and frightened Tug following behind him. "Tug's afraid of the rain!" Will cried. And, as any scared-out-of-its-wits horse, Tug lost control of his bladder and pooped all over the carpet.

_Oh, Grandma's Great Purple Jumping Groundhog Tacos, _Halt thought,_ what will Pauline say about the carpet?_

**Poor Tug. Will is so careless of his pets, now, isn't he? Writer-born-from-Shadows' suggestion: Have the Rangers try frappes. FarmersDaughter's suggestion: Have Tug appear and give him apples. This will be fulfilled next chapter. Morea24's suggestion: The Evil Unchangeable Annoying Pillow Pet Army of Death, Doom, and Destruction! Alright I know they didn't have iPhones or anything back then, but you gotta admit it was pretty entertaining. Please review and, if you don't mind, I would love it if you could give me ideas. I'm running out. Did anyone get the Galbatorix part?**


	6. Chapter 6

**Thanks to Guest FarmersDaughter for her review! To FarmersDaughter: Dang, are you fast or what? I posted this chapter right before my English class (I have a free hour) and after that and drama, I check my email just in case and BOOM! At forty or so minutes after the time I posted the story, which means it was probably up for ten minutes, I got an email that said, "Please log in to verify Guest review." My best friend, Morea24, rides at a stable and her favorite pony there is named Prince! Any chance your Prince is a really cute black and white paint? I watched that movie when I was about five. I don't really remember it though. Excuse to watch movies below my age level! I'm with you on that one, the new singers aren't my thing. JB I cannot, I repeat **_**cannot**_**, stand. I don't mind Taylor Swift. I used to like her but then she dated JB and yah. Dunno about Hunter Hayes. I like a lot of older music. Your suggestion? One word: Gilan. *Evil laughter.* Any chance you live in the northern US of A? I mean. . . . *Is dragged off by police.* (Well, now, that was long. On to the stuff everybody understands!) Sorry for any spelling/grammar mistakes. Also thanks to Writer-born-from-Shadows and M0RKIESTAR for their reviews! Everyone's suggestions will be mentioned at the bottom of this fic.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Ranger's Apprentice or Monster energy drinks or Call Me Maybe or Baby or Internet Explorer or Barbie or Match. com (is that even a website?)**

"No! Bad Tug!" Will reprimanded the horse. Tug whined. The poor horse hadn't meant to, it had just happened.

Halt grinned evilly. "Well, Will," he started, "since it's your horse, I think you should clean it up. And I'm sure Tug would rather face the rain than the stairs. Take him back to the stables."

Tug did _not_ like this particular idea. The stairs were horrible then all that was left was rain. Worst of all, there were no apples. Tug got an idea. The kitchen usually had apples. In fact, Tug had never been in a kitchen that didn't have apples. But, then, Tug hadn't been in many kitchens.

Tug went from the dead stop he was in to a full gallop into the kitchen. He jumped right over the couch and several people, who were not pleased in the least. Tug just barely missed Jenny and spied a bowl of apples on the counter. Tug shoved his head into the bowl and started to munch happily.

All the Rangers groaned. How were they supposed to get rid of the big galumphing horse _now_?

Luckily, Jenny did _not_ like anyone in her apples. No, siree, that did not happen in her kitchen, or the one she happened to be in. Jenny grabbed her ladle and smashed it unobserved over the head of the unfortunate horse.

Tug staggered to the side, and Jenny snatched the slightly munched bowl of apples off the table. She ran out of the kitchen and handed the bowl to Horace, who happened to be the tallest person there. Horace held the basket of apples over his head.

Tug observed that Horace had his apples. Tug wanted those apples, but Tug also knew what could be accomplished with those metal pointy things humans called swords. Tug decided to wait on the apples.

"Jenny, what do you want these apples for?" Horace asked. "Tug doesn't look like he's going to get the apples."

"I'm going to make apple cobbler. I think Tug will follow it down the stairs." So that's just what Jenny did. Will cleaned up Tug's mess, and, forty-five minutes later, Jenny was done.

"Alright, Will, here you go," she said, handing Will an oversized spoon and the pan.

"What am I supposed to do?" he asked.

"Just walk down the stairs with the Tug and intermittently give him a piece of the cobbler."

"OK! Tug! Come, boy." Will walked out of the room, offering a piece of apple cobbler to the horse.

Gilan decided he was bored. He walked into the kitchen. Several days ago he had tried his first Monster. Halt probably had a few. He looked around in the cupboards. Sure enough, he was right. Gilan walked into the kitchen with a Monster in hand.

Everyone looked at Gilan in horror. Gilan just glanced at them and opened the can. He took a drink and a huge grin flooded over his face. Everyone stiffened.

"Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, but here's my number, so call me, maybe! And I was like... baby, baby, baby oooh, like baby, baby, baby nooo, like baby, baby, baby oooh, I thought you'd always be mine!" Gilan sang.

Everybody threw their hands over their ears and there were various yells of, "Nooooo! We're gonna die," "Shoot him already," "Call the cops," "Just what did you teach him, Halt," and "He's worse than Justin Bieber!"

Gilan just stared at them. This was completely normal behavior for him, or, at least, not influenced by the energy drink. Well, now, being the idiot he was, Gilan decided to show everyone just how an energy drink could influence his behavior.

But what to do? Then he got an idea. Well, that's not strictly true 'cause Gilan never got a real idea. "Duncan! You should be on _The Bachelor_!"

"I've already been on there." Duncan muttered.

"No! Are you sure?" Crowley asked, his eyes wide.

"I'm pretty sure I know what TV shows I've been on."

"What would Cassandra say?" Halt mused.

"Oh, she knows." Duncan said.

Everyone gaped.

"What? What did I do wrong?"

"Many, many things, Duncan. . . ." Svengal muttered.

Duncan turned on him. "WHAT DID YOU SAY?!"

"Carrots?" Svengal squeaked.

Erak turned on him and yelled in the voice he used only on the worst of seas, "WE DO NOT SAY THE NAMES OF SUCH SO-CALLED FOOD!"

Everyone clapped their hands over their ears.

"B-but, Oberjarl Erak,—"

"No buts!"

Duncan ignored this and grabbed Halt's laptop. "Halt, what do you have on here?"

"Work," was Halt's short answer.

Duncan sighed. "You're no fun!" He opened up Internet Explorer and typed in " ."

Will burst in the door. "Guys! I just got this awesome crossword puzzle book!"

"Amazing." Halt said drily.

"Yeah, Halt, do this one!" Will thrust the book and a pen into Halt's hands.

Halt glanced down at it. The number one down, thirteen letters read, "Name someone with black hair, is famous for nothing, and is stupid as can be."

This was just too easy. Halt wrote, "Kim Kardashian."

The second question, number three down, five letters, "What color is milk?"

Halt rolled his eyes. "Will, you can figure this out on your own."

Will glared disdainfully at the book and pencil Halt handed out to him. "It's too simple for someone of my intelligence."

"You don't have any intelligence, Will." Gilan remarked, dismantling a Barbie doll his sister owned.

Everyone glanced at each other, "This coming from the guy who frequently asks me if one plus one equals two or three?" Crowley asked.

"Okey, back to the question at hand," Sean interrupted, seeing this couldn't go anywhere good. "What color is snow, Will?"

"My superior intellect disrupts me from disclosing information on such an inferior inquiry."

"English?" Erak said.

"His clever brain says he can't answer the question." Halt translated.

Suddenly, Duncan threw Halt's laptop. "I HATE DATING WEBSITES!" he yelled.

**To be continued. . . . MWAHAHAHA! JK. Anyways, please review! Suggestions are still appreciated! M0RKIESTAR's suggestion: (Well, not totally a suggestion, just a dream she had) Throwing a keyboard/laptop. Guest FarmersDaughter's suggestion: Tug getting apples and energy drinks. Writer-born-from-Shadows' suggestion: Will and crossword puzzles. (Well, Flow Free to begin with but I'd never played that.) I feel bad 'cause I haven't updated in like two weeks!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Thank you to Dash99, M0RKIESTAR, Guest FarmersDaughter (You have some of the strangest suggestions—I likey.), an anonymous Guest, AreiaCananaid, and Writer-born-from-Shadows (now Savannah Silverstone) for their reviews! Sorry for any spelling/grammar mistakes. Suggestions at bottom.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Ranger's Apprentice, Barbie, Oreos, Sesame Street, the brief mention of Pokémon, or "Feel this Moment." **

Gilan sucked his thumb. What had happened to his Barbie doll?

Jenny mistook the look on Gilan's face and sat down next to him by the fire and TV. "Hi, Gil! What do you want to do?"

"I can't find my Barbie."

Jenny looked shocked. "Barbie? You want Barbie over me? Me? Your girlfriend? I am sooo disgusted. I'm leaving. That's right everyone, I'm leaving and you can't do anything about it."

She got up and dramatically exited the room, slamming the door behind her. Halt waited two seconds then let out a cheer. "Yeah! Finally!" Everyone glared at him. "What? I just did what y'all were gonna do."

"Y'all? Y'all? Honestly, Halt! Y'all?!" Crowley cried. "Nobody says 'y'all'! In fact, y'all annoying. Yep, I said it. Y'all annoying."

"Crowley?" Will tried to get his attention.

"Yes, Will?"

"You just said 'y'all' six times."

"I don't say 'y'all!' Y'all wrong."

"We ain't hardly wrong. Y'all wrong." Erak mimicked.

"Yeah, y'all stupid_ and_ annoying _and_ wrong," Crowley argued.

"I ain't stupid!" Halt complained.

"Yeah! Me neither!" Gilan and Will said in unison.

Everyone exchanged looks. "Sure. . . ."

"Y'ALL SHADDUP! Y'ALL INTERRUPTIN' BIG BIRD!" Gilan screamed.

"Big Bird?" Will asked.

"SHAPPUP!" Gilan screeched through a mouthful of Oreos.

"You have Oreos?!" Halt screamed. "Gimme!"

"No!" Gilan cried.

"Are you sure I can't have some?"

Gilan started to cry. "My Blankie! I want my Blankie! Gimme my Blankie, Halt!"

"Will you give me Oreos if I get you your Blankie?" Halt asked.

"Yes! Just get Blankie!" Gilan wailed.

Halt sighed and ran downstairs to the stables. Finally, some peace and quiet.

The dark night was interrupted only by the chirping of crickets. The moon shone down as Halt moved silently and unseen through the door to the stables—

"I think Will's going crazy!" Tug announced to the other horses in the stable, "You wouldn't believe what he did yesterday!"

"What?" Kicker broke in.

"If you interrupt me, I won't tell you."

"Sorry, Tug." Kicker whined.

"Well, anyways, he only gave me _two _apples! Can you believe it?! This inflation is horrible! First the oat prices, now apple prices? What's next? Water?"

"No! Not my water!" A large chestnut cried, rearing.

"Oh, shut up, Chess. You're scared of everything!" Blaze complained.

Abelard glanced up. "Hey, Halt! What d'ya need?"

"Y-you can talk?"

"Of course. I mean, only Ranger horses can."

"What about Kicker and Chess?"

"Oh, they've got some Ranger horse in their blood."

"OK. Um, I'm gonna get some stuff for Gilan and then I'll go, alright?"

"Yeah, okay, Blaze's stuff is in the corner." Abelard pointed his nose in the general direction of the corner.

Halt hurried over, pulled out Gilan's Blankie, and hurried out of the stable. Those painkillers really worked. And caused hallucinations.

Halt opened the door to his rooms. Oh, good Lordy be, what was happening?

"Look! Halt! I got a squirt gun!" Will screamed, spraying Halt with the squirt gun.

"Blankie!" Gilan cried and snatched the blanket from Halt.

Duncan had the laptop again, ". . . Why of course, Amy, I'll be there! Buh-bye now!" Duncan hit send and yelled, "I got a date!"

Sean and Selethen were having a sword fight in the kitchen, to the approval of the watching Skandians. Horace and Shigeru argued about the supposed superiority of Araluen blades to Nijon-Jan blades. Crowley sat cross-legged with Ebony panting on his lap. ". . . And then I said to Morgarath, 'I choose you, Morgie!' And he was all, 'No you didn't!' And I was like. . . ."

Well, Halt thought, since everyone's distracted, I might as well get my Oreos. Halt sneaked over to the now sleeping form of Gilan(Who knows how he slept through that racket) and grabbed the package of Oreos.

He glanced at the nutrition facts. "What? 160 calories per 3 cookies? High fructose corn syrup? I don't think so." He set down the box.

Several months ago, Pauline had put Halt on a diet, and, if Halt broke the rules, he couldn't have coffee for a day! A whole day!

"Halt?" Horace asked.

"Yes, Horace?" Halt groaned. Here came some stupid remark or question.

"Can I ask you a question?"

"You just did."

"Yeah, but, I mean, like—"

"Hurry up!" Halt said, annoyed.

"Well, um, I was wondering, where is everyone going to sleep?"

"Whoa, hold up! Sleep?!"

"I thought we were staying over."

Everyone gasped. "He didn't say 'If you thought about it, you wouldn't ask' or 'You're an apprentice, you're not supposed to think!'"

Halt glared at them. "I'm not that predictable! Anyways, we're not exactly in my castle golden."

"Your castle golden?" Svengal asked.

"Yeah, haven't you ever heard the song 'Feel this moment' by Christina Aguilera and Pitbull?"

"No . . . how's it go?" Svengal inquired.

"Yes! Finally!" Crowley shouted, waking Gilan up, who proceeded to cry. "I get to show off my musical talents!"

Everyone groaned, but this didn't deter Crowley, "Ask for money, and get advice/Ask for advice, get money twice/I'm from the dirty but that chico nice/Y'all call it a moment, I call it life/One day while my light is glowing/I'll be in my castle golden/But until the gates are open/I just wanna feel this moment (ohhh)/I just wanna feel this moment (ohhh)/I just wanna feel this moment!"

"OK! Got it!" Will broke in.

"Hey! He said 'y'all' again!" Selethen said.

"It's in the song!" Crowley cried. "It doesn't count."

They groaned. "Just when things were getting interesting. . . ." Shigeru muttered.

**Hmm. . . . Ah, well, it sorta works. I don't have anything against people from the south; it just happened that way. I just realized something. All my chapters have been at least 1,000 words and the 1****st**** chapter was nine pages but the rest were all 4. Felt like sharing that. Suggestions! Dash99: Gilan watching Sesame Street and eating Oreos. Guest FarmersDaughter: Gilan cry for his Blankie. The anonymous Guest: Gilan reject Jenny for Barbie doll. Please review! Suggestions needed! Can anyone guess what the reference to Pokémon is? **


	8. Chapter 8

**Thanks to M0RKIESTAR, UnfocusedAndConfused, Dash99, AreiaCananaid, an anonymous Guest, and Guest FarmersDaughter (I'm glad I make you laugh! And, um, for your review for my POI story: Oh my gosh! Finch and Mr. Reese are soooo EPIC! I'm good now.) for all their reviews and suggestions! Sorry for any spelling/grammar mistakes. Suggestions are at the bottom.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Ranger's Apprentice or Sharpie. **

Halt groaned. It looked like everyone would have to spend the night. "Can we stay, Halt?" Will asked.

"Yes," Halt said resignedly.

Will cheered. Everyone glanced at him.

"It's nine o'clock." Halt informed them.

"What do we care?" Crowley asked.

"You care because I want to go to bed." Halt replied and walked down the hall and into the bathroom.

The rest of them grinned evilly at each other. They crept down the hall—well, maybe crept isn't the right word. They lumbered, crashed, skipped, tripped, limped, danced (tango, foxtrot, and salsa), and collided down the hall.

"If you think I can't hear you," Halt yelled, "You are sorely mistaken."

They crowded into the bathroom behind Halt, who was holding his toothbrush like a sword and pointing it at a downcast Will. "But, Halt, we were really quiet!"

"Yes, 'cause dancing the tango down the hallway happens every day." Halt rolled his eyes to heaven.

"Well, Halt," Shigeru argued, "just to let you know, my mother used to dance down the hall every day when she was young."

"Yes, but she's not young anymore, so, technically no one dances down the hall every day." Halt said.

"How dare you insult my dear mother, may she rest in peace!" Shigeru said aghast.

"Oh, I dared alright."

"You wanna go?!"

"Well, I dunno. If we go to the mall, no. But, if we go to the coffee shop, yes." Halt said, deliberately misunderstanding.

Shigeru ripped the toothbrush out of Halt's hands. "Say you're sorry if you want this back!" He threatened.

Halt grinned evilly, grabbed the tube of toothpaste, twisted the cap off, and proceeded to squirt the contents on those in range. "You're sorry if you want this back!" he taunted.

Suffice to say, eleven men, several tubes of toothpaste and cans of silly string, and boredom are a recipe for disaster.

"YOU DO NOT TOUCH THE GREEN SILLY STRING! IT'S MINE!" Sean screamed as Erak reached for said bottle of green silly string.

This statement, of course, made several people reach for the can simultaneously.

"Stop it!" Sir Rodney yelled, bursting into the room.

"But I don't wanna!" Duncan screamed, spewing bubble gum toothpaste at the unfortunate Battlemaster.

Sir Rodney wiped the gunk off his face. "Oh, that is IT!" he screamed. He grabbed a can of purple silly string out of Gilan's hands. Rodney jumped at the king of Araluen.

Chaos resumed. Horace and Gilan got in a sword fight over the cinnamon toothpaste, which Selethen promptly stole. Duncan and Rodney were wrestling in a pile of discarded silly string. Shigeru and Halt were fighting with various cans of silly string and tubes of toothpaste, as were Sean and Erak. Svengal and Will tried to decorate Ebony with silly string while Crowley tried to fend them off with bubble gum toothpaste and pink silly string.

Master Chubb kicked the door open, wielding his ladle. "This is going to stop now!" he screamed, bashing those closest to him with his Supreme Ladle of Death, as he called it when no one was around.

Everyone stopped. "Put on your PJs and go to bed!" he shouted. "Rodney, you're coming with me."

Everyone complied. Soon everyone was fast asleep. Except Gilan and Will, that is.

Earlier that day, they had discussed using this opportunity to play out their long sought after "Master Plan #1." Will and Gilan had many Master Plans, most of which involved humiliating Halt.

"Master Plan #1 is in order." Will whispered, handing Gilan several Sharpies.

Will crept over to Halt and used his black Sharpie to apply "eye-liner" that fanned away from his face, a pink to spread over Halt's checks as "blush", and completed his masterpiece by using teal to put on thick "mascara." Gilan shook his head. Something was missing. . . . Oh! That was it! Red lipstick and purple nail polish. Gilan smeared the red Sharpie gently over Halt's lips and quickly painted Halt's nails with purple Sharpies.

They smirked at each other and did makeovers on several other people, making sure not to forget King Duncan. They disposed of the evidence and lay down in their places on the floor, quickly falling asleep.

An hour later Halt woke up and silently walked into the kitchen. Hmm . . . what had Pauline done with the chocolate? Ah! Now he remembered. In the second cupboard to the right of the fridge. Halt grabbed a piece of chocolate and bit into it.

King Duncan stirred. Something had caught his attention. He sat up—wait, was that Halt in the kitchen? Oh, he was busted! Duncan walked into the kitchen, "I'm soo telling Pauline!"

Halt stopped licking his fingers. "I'm allowed to have dark chocolate." He said stoutly.

"Sure. . . ."

Halt peered at Duncan's face. Was that mascara and one of those hoity-toity curly Italian mustaches?

"What you lookin' at?"

"What's wrong with your face?"

"My face is quite attractive, just to let you know," Duncan said stiffly.

"Many would disagree." Halt just couldn't resist, the opportunity had been given to him on a silver platter!

Duncan glared at him, which would have been more frightening if Halt wasn't the King of Glares and Duncan didn't have pink, teal, black, and orange permanent marker all over his face.

"Anyways," Halt continued, ignoring the glare, "you have makeup on your face. I'd advise you to remember to wash your face when you play with Pauline's makeup."

"I was not in Pauline's makeup!" the king spluttered. Then he looked closer at Halt. "You, on the other hand, have been in there."

They glanced at each other and tip-toed as fast as possible to the bathroom. They shut the door quietly then turned on the lights. They stared at their reflections.

"We have to figure out who did this." Duncan growled.

"And I think I know who it is." Halt replied.

**Dumdadumdum! Who does Halt expect? How will he punish them? OK, the first question is obvious, but tune in next time for the "I will kill you two!" extravaganza! I feel like a TV announcer. Suggestions: Dash99: Halt squirts toothpaste on everyone. AreiaCananaid: Will and Gilan write on people with Sharpies. The anonymous Guest: Halt stuffing his face with chocolate and being told on to Pauline (it was originally Oreos but I changed it). Are you wondering why your suggestion didn't get used? This chapter was getting too long. Your suggestions will be used for the next or a later chapter. Please review! Suggestions appreciated!**


	9. Chapter 9

**Thanks to M0RKIESTAR, an anonymous Guest (your suggestion will be in a later chapter), Savannah Silverstone, Dash99, RangerNinja (awesome suggestion!), AreiaCananaid, and Guest FarmersDaughter (your suggestion will be used for a later chappie.) for their reviews and suggestions! Note: all suggestions involving Pauline will almost always be in a later chapter unless I change your suggestion. Sorry for any spelling/grammar mistakes. Suggestions at bottom.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Ranger's Apprentice, Pokémon, Nyan Cat, or The Lord of the Rings.**

"Who?" Duncan asked, concerning who had put Sharpie in the form of makeup on their faces.

"Please tell me you're not that stupid," Halt groaned.

"I'm joking! Will and Gilan, right?"

"Obviously. Let's get this stuff off." Halt and Duncan scrubbed their faces, and, twenty minutes later, two damp persons were free of Sharpie.

"So glad that stuff isn't permanent on people. What do we do now?"

Halt glanced at his watch. "It's a little after three in the morning. Let's see who else has had their faces decorated."

Halt and Duncan crept into the living room. Well, in Duncan's case, tripped over his own feet several times. They could just see in the darkness. It turned out that Sean, Selethen, Horace, and Crowley also had a variety of "beauty enhancements."

Halt tsked, "They are soo immature. Five of the most important people from several countries? Honestly!"

Duncan counted on his fingers. "Five? There are six of us."

"I'm glad you figured that out, O' Wise One. Horace isn't one of the most important people in Araluen."

"He's my son-in-law!"

"Wow, you're revolutionizing the way we think." Halt said sarcastically. "Anyways, let's grab Will and Gilan."

"Why?"

"Well, we have to punish them don't we?"

Duncan's eyes brightened, "What're we gonna do?"

Halt grinned evilly, "You'll see."

THE NEXT MORNING

Will cracked open his eyes. Why was the world swimming? Why was Halt's face upside down? Was that coffee? Will grinned cheerily and tried to get up. He frowned. "Halt, why can't I get up?"

"Well, let's guess, shall we?"

Will frowned even harder. "Am I hanging upside-down?"

The more sarcastic and less sympathetic of the crowd clapped. Halt grinned at him. "Bravo. Can we figure out why, exactly, we're hanging upside-down too?"

Will screamed, which woke Gilan up, who, as he had been in this place many-a time, started to cry. "I didn't do it, Halt!" he cried. "It was all Will!"

Everyone ignored this and Crowley yelled, "I believe Master Plan #1 failed with a big, fat capital f."

Will started to cry. "How will I play Nyan Cat now? I'm gonna die if I don't play!"

Gilan followed suit, "Need Nyan Cat! Someone save us!"

Gollum poofed into existence, "You will never get my Precious!"

Will cried even harder, "I want to be saved! I don't want your Precious!"

Gollum glared at him, "Everyone wants my Precious! No, my Precious!"

"Did you just call me 'my Precious'?" Will asked.

"No, my Precious!" Gollum screeched and poofed out of existence again.

Everyone rolled their eyes. Nothing could get weirder than this. Sadly, they were wrong. Tug, Blaze, and Abelard trotted out of the stables. "Halt, we want to be unicorns for Halloween!" Tug announced.

Looks of shock ranged from glaring to full-blown astonishment. "Wh-what?" Halt asked.

Tug frowned, well as much as a horse can, and said, "We need horns so we can be unicorns for Halloween. You can do that, right? Why're Will and Gilan hanging by their toes on the roof?"

"I can do that. They wrote on my face with Sharpies!"

Abelard snorted and muttered, "Couldn't have made it any uglier."

Halt turned and glared his I-will-glare-at-you-so-long-your-fur-will-fall-off glare, "You did _not_ just go there!"

"I just went there."

"No apples for you."

"No, Halt! I take it all back! I'll never say it again, I swear, Halt!"

"Go back to the stable, all of you!"

The horses obeyed. "Halt?" Gilan squeaked.

"Yes, Gilan?"

"Can I get down now?"

"Yes, but Will can't."

"What? Why can't I, Halt?" Will whined.

"Because I feel like torturing you."

"That's rude, Halt!" Will cried.

"No, it's not. It's evil." Halt laughed maniacally and cut Gilan down roughly.

Gilan fell on his head. "OWWW! That hurt!"

Halt looked at him coldly, "Too bad."

"What're we gonna do now?" Erak asked.

"I'm going to get coffee and sit out here. You can do whatever you want as long as I approve of it." Halt replied.

"That's backwards!" Selethen complained.

Halt ignored him and walked back up the stairs to his apartment for coffee. The rest of them followed.

Halt opened the door and was bowled over as Gilan saw the prize of a lifetime. "It's a Lucario!"

Halt pulled himself off the floor. "I'm so glad."

Gilan picked up a Pokémon card that had been shoved in a corner. He stared at it in rapture.

Svengal walked over to Gilan and glanced at the card. "OMG!" he squealed. "It's a Lucario! I have caught 'em all! Gimme, Gilan, gimme!"

Svengal launched himself at Gilan and tried to get the trading card away from the Ranger. "I challenge you to—" Gilan started to yell before Halt sauntered over to them and snatched the card out of their fingers.

"Gimme, Gilan, gimme!" he mimicked and ripped the ultra-rare Pokémon card in half.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" They shouted in slow-motion.

Halt held up a hand and said, "You attack me and you spend the next week sleeping in a _pine_ tree."

Their eyes widened. Halt walked past and poured himself a cup of coffee from the coffee pot. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go torture Will with coffee."

***cackles* Torture! Yep, I'm evil. Anyways, suggestions! M0RKIESTAR: Nyan Cat addiction and Tug and co. want to be unicorns for Halloween. Guest FarmersDaughter: Gollum and his Precious appear. Savannah Silverstone: Gilan gets a rare Pokémon card. Please review! Suggestions needed! RangerNinja: your suggestion will be used next chappie.**

**Random quote I feel like sharing 'cause it's my desktop background: "It's a terrible plan but I like it so let's do it." (Mr. Reese from Person of Interest)**


	10. Chapter 10

**Thanks to IFYOUCOULDFLY, Dash99, AreiaCananaid, Dr Merlin, M0RKIESTAR, Guest FarmersDaughter (I don't think I've ever watched that episode. I just found the quote on Google Images), and Savannah Silverstone for their reviews and suggestions! Sorry for any spelling/grammar mistakes. Suggestions at bottom.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Ranger's Apprentice, Spongebob, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, or Gangnam Style.**

"Halt! My head hurts!" Will wailed as he hung upside-down by his toes from the roof.

Halt took another sip of his coffee. "Well, maybe if you shut up, it wouldn't hurt so much."

"This hurts more than the time you wafted coffee in my nose during an eight-hour marathon of Spongebob!"

Halt smirked as he stood up. "That was hilarious."

"Wait! Where are you going?" Will yelled as Halt started toward the stairs.

"You may find it acceptable to use the bathroom in the middle of the courtyard, but I do not." Will made a face and watched Halt make his way toward his apartments.

Halt opened the door to a mess. Horace and Gilan were watching Texas Chainsaw Massacre on the TV and screaming like little girls. Ebony was chasing her tail. Selethen, Shigeru, Sean, Crowley, and Duncan were playing hot potato. Erak and Svengal were loading up fireworks and had just struck the match to light them.

"Do NOT light that!" Halt yelled at Erak and Svengal.

They stopped. "Why?"

"Don't blow my house up!"

Erak blew out the match. "You ruin all the fun."

Just then a black cat crept into the room. Everyone but Halt screamed and ran into the closet, squeezing the door closed behind them. "It's going to kill us!" Selethen screamed.

Then they saw something much, much worse. A large, black spider. Horace almost wet his pants. Crowley fainted. And the rest all-out screamed. "WE'RE GONNA DIE!" Erak shrieked and jumped through the doors.

The cat was gone and everyone else filed out of what was left of the closet. Halt sighed. "All of you are so immature. I'm going to the bathroom. Do not break anything; you've already broken my closet." Halt hurried down the hallway and into the bathroom.

They looked at each other. Now was their chance. They crept downstairs. Will looked at them. "Are you guys going to cut me down?" He asked hopefully.

Duncan put a finger up to his lips and motioned to Svengal, who quickly cut him down. Will fell into an ungraceful lump. "Ouch!"

"Shush!" they reprimanded the young Ranger. They snuck back into Halt's living room, where a severely annoyed Halt stood.

"Just what do you think you are doing?" He asked.

Gilan tried to wrest Halt's attention elsewhere by saying, "I completed a puzzle!" and pointing to said 24 piece puzzle he had started two months ago.

Halt ignored him, "Well?"

Will smiled at him. "It's time, Gilan." The two of them broke out in the Gangnam Style dance.

"Oppa Gangnam Style/Gangnam Style/Najeneun ttasaroun inganjeogin yeoja/Keopi hanjanui yeoyureul aneun pumgyeok inneun yeoja/Bami omyeon simjangi tteugeowojineun yeoja/Geureon banjeon inneun yeoja!" Gilan sang.

Halt stared at them. "C'mon, Halt! Lemme teach you!" Will said.

Halt knew there was no getting out of this one. "Fine."

"Alright! Now, put your hands like so. . . ." In short, half an hour later, Halt had it down pat.

"OK, I think I've got this." Halt said and did the dance perfectly.

Gilan put a comforting hand on Halt's shoulder, "Dancers practice until they get it right; Rangers practice until they never get it wrong."

Halt's phone suddenly went off, "He called her on the road/From a lonely cold hotel room/Just to hear her say I love you one more time/But when he heard the sound/Of the kids laughing in the background/He had to wipe away a tear from his eye/A little voice came on the phone/Said 'Daddy when you coming home?'/He said the first thing that came to his mind/I'm already there/Take a look around/I'm the sunshine in your hair/I'm the shadow on the ground/I'm the whisper in the wind/I'm your imaginary friend/And I know I'm in your prayers/Oh I'm already there. . . ."

Erak started to cry. "It's sooo sad!"

Horace's eyes widened. "Who knew Halt liked sad country songs?"

Halt just rolled his eyes. "Shaddup. You made me miss whoever called. Ah, well, I'll just wait until they call back."

Halt's phone rang again, "Spend all your time waiting/for that second chance/for a break that would make it okay/there's always some reason/to feel not good enough/and it's hard at the end of the day/I need some distraction/oh beautiful release/memories seep from my veins/let me be empty/and weightless and maybe/I'll find some peace tonight/in the arms of the angel/fly away from here/from this dark cold hotel room/and the endlessness that you fear/you are pulled from the wreckage/of your silent reverie/you're in the arms of the angel/may you find some comfort here. . . ."

This time Svengal started to cry. Halt glared at the two sobbing Skandians and answered his phone, "Yes? This is Ranger Halt. Of course. See you in a minute."

Crowley grinned. "Was that Pauline?"

Halt scowled. "No. Dr. Arnold."

"You're no fun!"

"So I've been told."

"Now, that's just mean!"

"Glad you think so."

A knock sounded on the door and Halt opened it. "Hello, Dr. Arnold."

"Yes, hello. Silly me. Forgot to do something with your teeth. Why don't you sit on the couch?" Dr. Arnold didn't even bat an eye at the crying Skandians and royalty in the room.

Halt sat down and the dentist quickly gave him four numbing shots. Then he stopped. "Wait—I believe Ms. Warner already did this! Oh my! So sorry, Ranger Halt!" the still apologizing doctor packed up his stuff and made a speedy exit, but not before taking a couple gold coins from Duncan.

"Well, the little rat!" Halt said but it sounded more like, "Gelj, thuc hittlf yrut!"

Shigeru grinned at him. "What was that, Halt?"

Halt realized what had happened and resigned himself to the horror that was bound to happen now that he couldn't scold Will and everyone else for doing stupid things.

**I don't own the songs that were played on Halt's phone. Can anyone guess the names of the songs? Suggestions! Savannah Silverstone: Manly character cries over a song. AreiaCananaid: The doctor forgets to do something to Halt's teeth. RangerNinja: Will and Gilan break out in the Gangnam Style and teach Halt how to do it. Dr Merlin: Gilan completes a 24 piece puzzle in 2 months, Erak and Svengal set off fireworks in Halts house, and Horace and Gilan watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre and scream like girls. Guest FarmersDaughter: Black cat and spider incident. M0RKIESTAR: Waft the smell of coffee into Will's nostrils while playing an eight-hour marathon of Spongebob. Please review! Suggestions needed! Happy belated Easter everyone!**


	11. Chapter 11

**Thanks to Guest FarmersDaughter, Savannah Silverstone, IFYOUCOULDFLY, AreiaCananaid, Fflewdder-the-Bard, Dash99, Guest Caitythesnail, and i'masian-aru for their reviews and suggestions! Alright, I put up a poll asking how many chapters Halt goes to the Dentist should be. One person has voted. So, I would appreciate it if you would please vote on it! You can find it on my page and I don't know where else. Only members are allowed to participate. (FanFiction rule, not mine) Please note that updates might be a little less frequent now that I have more stories and many more ideas that I want to write. Sorry for any spelling/grammar mistakes. Suggestions at bottom.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Ranger's Apprentice, Jack Frost, My Little Pony, Jersey Shore, TiVo, Hetalia, Apple, Dora the Explorer, Sesame Street, Bob the Builder, and Clifford.**

Halt glared at Will as the young Ranger pulled out his abominable lute. Or was it a mandola? He couldn't remember. The point was, the idiot was about to annoy him greatly and Halt couldn't talk because he had just received four numbing shots.

Will grinned and said, "Quiet! I want to play one of my favorite songs, Graybeard Halt!"

Halt's eyes widened. Not that song!

Will strummed a few chords on his—wait—what was it again? A guitar? Then sang, "Greybeard Halt is a friend of mine/He lives on Redmont's hill/Greybeard Halt never took a bath/And they say he never will!"

Ebony joined in by howling at the chorus. "Fare thee well, Greybeard Halt/Fare thee well, I say/Fare thee well, Greybeard Halt/I'll see you on your way!"

Halt covered his ears in a vain attempt to keep out the sound of the infernal song, but Will continued, singing all the louder, "Greybeard Halt, he lives with goats/That's what I've heard tell/He hasn't changed his socks for years/But the goats don't mind the smell!"

The Skandians joined in, smashing pints of ale together, "Fare thee well, Greybeard Halt/Fare thee well, I say/Fare thee well, Greybeard Halt/I'll see you on your way!"

The Skandians were a little tipsy by now, which was never a good thing. Crowley and Duncan tried to restrain them from flinging the small Nijon-Jan emperor into the air, all the while singing along, "Greybeard Halt is a fighting man/I've heard common talk/That Greybeard Halt, he cuts his hair/With a carving knife and fork!"

"Ainth thath the thruth," Erak slurred.

"Ith shure isth!" Svengal mumbled drunkenly before the two stumbled and flattened Horace.

Paying no heed to his friend, Will continued with several people including Selethen who doing very well in the singing and had even started a wave, "Fare thee well, Greybeard Halt/Fare thee well, I say/Fare thee well, Greybeard Halt/I'll see you on your way!" They laughed raucously.

Halt glared at the various people that had made his annoyance level reach an all-time high. How could this get any worse? Might as well get some coffee. Halt padded into the kitchen and saw this weird dude with spikey white hair freezing the coffee! "Wjo the—"

Gilan popped his head into the room and screamed at the top of his lungs, "NO PROFANITY!"

"—hewqk eruh vuh?" Halt amended his question. Gilan disappeared.

"I am Jack Frost!" the white haired young man answered regally.

"Anth thath mueanth wvat ta moj?" How did this guy understand what Halt was saying? Maybe he'd spent lots of time with babies.

"I'm Santa's arch nemesis." Okay, maybe not.

"Whash're vuh dijung ta moy kawfti?"

"Freezing it, of course."

"Whk?"

"I don't like coffee."

Halt stared at Jack Frost in horror. An impostor! Luckily, Crowley had taught all of the Rangers signals that told them such important things like this. Halt reached behind him and made a hand signal that suspiciously looked like the "L" like symbol meaning "loser."

Most who saw it froze, but the Rangers flew into action. They ran past Halt, Ebony at their heels, and started to pile on Jack but he was too fast for them and flashed out of existence.

"Aw, that was boring, Halt!" Gilan whined.

Halt glared at him then stalked out of the kitchen. Will, Crowley, and Gilan followed him.

Just then the door burst open and Alyss, Jenny, and Cassandra walked in, "Oh, my gosh, Gilan! Did you see last night's episode of Jersey Shore? I can't believe what Snooki did!"

"No, but did you hear what Sapphire Shores said to Berry Punch on My Little Pony Saturday? So rude!"

Halt face-palmed. Everyone else stared at Gilan. "My Little Pony?" Duncan asked.

"Yeah! Rainbow Dash is my favorite!"

"And this is about what?" Shigeru asked.

"These totally colorful ponies!"

"Whoa, ponies swear?" Erak asked.

"No!" Gilan said. "They're pink and green and purple and blue and yellow. . . ."

"Okay, but what do these ponies do?" Duncan queried.

"I'll show you!" Gilan ran over to Halt's TV and turned it on. "I think I have a few on Halt's TiVo."

Gilan clicked a few buttons and eventually came to four My Little Pony episodes. "Here we go!" The show started and everyone gathered around and watched. Halt just sighed at went back to watching Hetalia, an anime that Halt had gotten seriously addicted to after Crowley had showed him it, on his iPad.

Several hours later (after a succession of Dora the Explorer, Sesame Street, Bob the Builder, Clifford, and My Little Pony), they heard screams and the door was broken down. In came five pandas. Up Crowley climbed on the chandelier, screaming all the way.

"No! No! Not the pandas!" He screamed.

They started to laugh at the comical scene before them. Crowley dangled from the glass chandelier while the biggest of the very cute bears swatted playfully at his victim's feet.

"Help me! Please! Get them out of here!" Crowley looked absolutely terrified.

"How can you not like them, Crowley? They're so cute!" Will picked up a baby panda and pet it softly.

"When I was about seventeen," Crowley started, "my mentor, Pritchard, was taking care of a baby panda for a friend of his and it bit me!"

Duncan snorted and said, "It probably was scared of your orange hair."

"That's just rude! Now get rid of these pandas!"

Erak sighed and escorted the black and white animals out of Halt's living room.

Crowley let go of the chandelier and fell in an unceremonious heap.

"Now what are we gonna do?" Selethen asked.

**Voila! Pandas are soooo cute! Oh, and the Jack Frost thing is probably wrong. I don't really know much about him. Suggestions! i'masian-aru (your other suggestion will be used next chappie): My Little Pony. Fflewdder-the-Bard: Jersey Shore and Hetalia obsessions. Guest FarmersDaughter: Jack Frost freezes the coffee. AreiaCananaid: Graybeard Halt. IFYOUCOULDFLY: Panda Bear Invasion. Please review! Suggestions needed! Please do my poll!**


	12. Chapter 12

**Thanks to AreiaCananaid, IFYOUCOULDFLY, Savannah Silverstone, Guest FarmersDaughter, i'masian-aru, Dr Merlin, and Guest Ranger Robbin (Someone else already suggested that. Lol I dunno yet but I'll see) for their reviews and suggestions! Thanks for the over 50 reviews everyone! Sorry for any spelling grammar mistakes. FYI: I took down two of the options for my poll because I realized that it would be really hard to end it that soon 'cause I sorta want to add Pauline in there for a while. Sorry about that. Sorry for the late update.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Ranger's Apprentice, Klondike bars, Oreos, Scooby-Doo, or the reference to **_**Croak**_**.**

"Well, I want cookie butter," Shigeru said.

"What's cookie butter?" Will asked.

"Delicious stuff."

"That doesn't really tell us about it," Halt muttered.

"Whoa! Halt! How long have you been able to talk?" Gilan asked, aghast.

"Oh, about fifty-seven years," Halt said drily.

"I didn't mean that! I meant since you got—wait—you're that old?" Gilan said.

"It's been like three minutes. And, yes, I'm that old," Halt glared at his former apprentice.

"Baaaaaack to the cookie butter issue," Shigeru said. "Cookie butter is like peanut butter but cookies!"

Will's eyes widened. "I want some! Halt, can I have some?"

"No."

"What if I don't ask a question for like twenty-four hours?"

"Why don't you?"

"May I have some cookie butter if I don't ask a question for twenty-four hours unless it's really, really important?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because you failed at that with the Klondike bars."

"But that was when I was an apprentice!"

"And what has changed since then?"

"Good point."

Duncan bit an Oreo noisily. All eyes turned to him. "Whaaaaaaat?"

"Did you really just eat an Oreo like that?" Selethen asked.

"Yes, I just did. What's wrong with it?"

"You do not eat the cookie part of an Oreo before the cream," Selethen said as if it was the most obvious thing ever.

"Why? The cookie part tastes better than the cream." Duncan surveyed his friend's faces.

"Alright, that is it! Everyone with me say 'cream'," Selethen declared.

"Cream," Halt, Crowley, Erak, Sean, Cassandra, and Alyss said. Selethen nodded.

"Cookie," Will, Horace, Gilan, Duncan, Svengal, Jenny, and Shigeru protested.

"Cream."

"Cookie."

"CREAM," they screamed and threw a lamp at Duncan.

"COOKIE!" the others chucked a flashlight at Sean.

This continued for quite a while, random things getting thrown everywhere until they realized something, a cockroach was crawling across the carpet.

Will screamed, "NOOOOOOOOOOO!" He grabbed his bow and shot at the cockroach, horribly missing. Will screamed again, dropped his bow, and jumped into Halt's arms, Scooby-Doo style. "Help me, Halt!"

Halt dropped Will on the floor. "Get off of me!"

Crowley eyed the cockroach. "We should have a contest! Whoever can shot it and kill it gets all the coffee."

"Okay," Gilan and Halt agreed.

"You're first, Gilan," Crowley said.

Gilan grabbed his bow, laid an arrow on the string, sighted, and shot. "Oh, too bad, Gilan. My turn," Crowley said as Gilan's shot clipped one of the cockroaches back legs.

Crowley sighted and shot. The arrow caught one of the bug's antennas. It feverishly tried to pull free.

Halt grinned. "My turn." He sighted and shot, killing the ugly bug. "Voila! I get the coffee!"

"That's cheating, Halt," Gilan whined.

"Too bad. I want coffee." Halt hurried into the kitchen and noticed that there was no coffee made. He searched the cabinets. No coffee. "Did you guys drink all my coffee?"

Everyone shuffled their feet and looked anywhere but at Halt. "Maybe. . . ." they muttered.

"Well, we gotta get some more then, right?" Halt glared at the occupants of the room.

Will slowly raised his hand.

"Yes, Will?"

"Are we all gonna go?"

"Good suggestion!"—he turned to everyone else—"Put on your top hats and monocles, kids! We're going to the coffee supplier."

Several minutes later, Halt, Will, Gilan, Crowley, Horace, Erak, Svengal, King Duncan, King Sean, Shigeru, Selethen, Cassandra, Alyss, Jenny, and Ebony paraded through town. Shocked glances and hasty bows followed their progress as the fourteen people and one dog headed toward the coffee store.

They burst through the door. "I want coffee," Halt demanded.

The shopkeeper shrugged. "Sorry, all out," she said.

Halt reached behind himself and shoved King Duncan up to the counter. "King Duncan wants coffee."

The shopkeeper's eyes widened. "I'll see what I can do." She disappeared through the door to the back.

Ten minutes later, she returned, carrying a sack of coffee beans. "Here. That's all we've got."

They took the large sack and marched back to Halt's rooms in Castle Redmont. They surveyed the damage to the living room.

Halt turned to Duncan. "Any idea where Arald is?"

"Um, in a meeting with Baron Morton, I believe."

Halt smirked. "Come with me."

"Shouldn't that be 'come to me'?" Will asked.

"Why would it be 'come to me'?" Halt queried as he sauntered down the stairs.

The rest of them followed him and Will said, "Because that's the name of a song."

"Amazing. Who cares?"

"Uhhhhhhhh, Ebony?"

"She's a dog." By this time, they were at the door to Arald's Grand Oval Mahogany Room. The Grand Oval Mahogany Room was, pretty much, a throne room except smaller, oval, all mahogany, and there was no throne. "Anyway, we're here."

"Halt?" Alyss asked.

"Yes, Alyss?"

"What, exactly, are we doing here?"

"I'm going to complain to Arald that the windows are malfunctioning."

"The windows aren't malfunctioning," Selethen pointed out.

"Yes, but Arald doesn't know that."

"Well, what's the point then?" Sean asked.

"Well, you see, all these strange tornadoes and random wild animals found a way into my apartment while we were gone and broke all my stuff."

"Whoa, they did that?!" Gilan asked. He looked completely shocked.

"Yes, Gilan," Halt said drily. "That happens all the time."

"It does?"

Halt sighed and kicked the door to the Grand Oval Mahogany Room open. "Hey, Arald—" Then he stopped. What was the baron doing?

**MWA-MWA-MWAHAHAHA! Cliffhanger! Don't worry, it isn't anything inappropriate. Suggestions! Savannah Silverstone: Cookie butter. AreiaCananaid: Cockroach incident. i'masian-aru: No coffee. Guest FarmersDaughter: Cookie vs. Cream argument. All other suggestions will be used in the next or a later chapter. Please review! Suggestions appreciated!**


	13. Chapter 13

**Thanks to AreiaCananaid, Unfocused and Confused, Dr Merlin, Savannah Silverstone, Dash99, Guest FarmersDaughter, and hey y'all watch this for their reviews and suggestions! Sorry for any spelling/grammar mistakes.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Ranger's Apprentice, the Inheritance Cycle, or "Over the River and Through the Woods".**

Arald screamed and toppled from the top of a human pyramid. Thankfully, an acrobat, who on closer inspection turned out to be Baron Morton, reached out and, somewhat ungracefully, caught the heavyset baron. "YOU STARTLED ME!" he cried.

"What the—" Halt started.

"WHAT DID I TELL YOU, HALT?!" Gilan screamed. "NO PROFANITY!"

"—Heck are you doing, Arald?" Halt quickly changed his statement.

Arald glared at the group of newcomers reproachfully. "I'M TRYING TO PRACTICE WITH MY TRAVELLING CIRCUS, OKAY?"

Halt stared at him, confused. "Uh, not to be offensive, but aren't you a bit . . . _large_ to be in a circus?"

"NO, I AM NOT THAT TALL!"

"I meant, um, horizontally. . . ."

"OH. THAT. WELL, ANGELA OVER HERE,"—he indicated a strange-looking woman who was knitting a sock with six bone needled—"TOLD ME THAT SHE NEEDED ONE MORE PERSON FOR HER TRAVELLING CIRCUS, AND I FIT THE BILL."

"I see. . . . Now, will someone tell me why everyone besides me is talking in all caps?" Halt asked.

Angela smiled. "I thought it would be interesting. You must be Halt. I've always wanted to meet you."

"Um, why?"

"Because you have an extraordinary personality, and, anyway, Eragon wants to know how tall you really are."

"Oh, um, well then, Arald, the windows are malfunctioning."

Arald frowned. "How so?"

"All these freak tornadoes and wild animals got into my rooms and destroyed everything."

Arald eyed him. "Is that why you're holding a bag of coffee beans?"

"Yes, but can you fix the damages?"

"How bad is it?"

Halt thought about the chandelier that had been clung to several times and the broken furniture. "Bad."

"It could take a few days."

Halt sighed and turned to the group of people ranging from kings to cooks. "Looks like we have to move to the cabin."

This was greeted by a round of cheers and applause. They turned around and Horace put his hand on the door to push it open.

"Wait!" Angela shouted. They turned back around. "I want to make voodoo dolls of you guys before we leave!"

Selethen glanced at the rest of the group. "RUN!" They ran.

When they got to the stables, they slowed down so as not to spook the horses. "Halt?" Shigeru asked.

"Yes?"

"Are there enough horses for all of us?"

"This is a baron's castle. And it's pretty big. Of course there are enough horses."

"Oh."

Halt saddled Abelard, Will saddled Tug, Horace saddled Kicker, Crowley saddled Cropper, Selethen saddled Chess (the chestnut from before that happened to belong to Selethen), King Duncan a black stallion named Charcoal Fire, and the rest other assorted horses.

The Skandians groaned as they were forced on two brown mares named Brownie and Sundae. "But I can't ride!" Svengal whined.

"Well, you're just in time to learn!" Crowley said brightly. They rode, or, in the Skandians' case, fell off several times and muttered some very colorful words, through the town and into the forest to Halt's cabin.

When the entered the woods, Will started to sing, "Over the river and through the woods/To Grandmother's house we go!/The horse knows the way to carry the sleigh/Through white and drifted snow."

Halt sighed. "We're hardly going to your grandmother's house, Will."

"Yes, but we're going to his grandfather's house, so BURN!" Horace yelled.

"That doesn't make sense, Horace," Cassandra muttered.

"Yes, it does."

"How?"

"Because I said it."

The argument was interrupted when Gilan pointed at a rock and practically squealed, "Oh my gosh! That looks exactly like Dacite!"

Everyone turned in their saddles to look at him. "Um, Gilan, who's Dacite?" Alyss asked.

Gilan reached into his pocket and pulled out a large, bumpy gray stone. "My pet rock!"

Will gasped. "I can't believe it!" He pulled a smooth white rock. "Chert always wanted to meet a dacite!"

Halt sighed as his former apprentices continued to chatter away about their rocks. A couple minutes later, they arrived at his cabin. They took the horses to the stable and un-tacked them then lead them into the pasture so they could graze.

Selethen eyed Halt's backyard. "How long have you had a pool, Halt?"

"Will put that in a year ago."

Sean gasped. "We should have a pool party!"

Halt glared at his nephew. "You're not going to let me say no, are you?"

"Nope."

"So I suppose you want to know where the blow-up water slide is, right?"

"Yep."

"Look in the shed."

Sean and Duncan headed to the shed in search of the inflatable water slide. Halt sulked in a corner. Horace, Selethen, and Svengal cleaned the pool. Gilan and Will went to find pool toys. Jenny and Crowley went inside to make coffee, lemonade, and cookies. Shigeru played fetch with Ebony to keep her out of everyone else's hair. Alyss and Cassandra mounted their horses (Rose and Battlecry) and rode to town in search of bathing suits. Erak supervised and shouted orders at everyone like a true Skandian.

In no time, the pool was ready, the toys were found, everyone—except Halt—was wearing their bathing suits, and the water slide was up. Then Ebony went down the water slide. The water slide deflated neatly with an unpleasant farting noise.

"EBONY!" Will shouted. Ebony looked almost smug as she settled down in a patch of shade.

**I know I haven't used everyone's suggestions, but I sorta wanted to shove in a couple of my own thoughts. Suggestions! Dr Merlin: Voodoo dolls and Ebony goes on the water slide. AreiaCananaid: Add Angela. Savannah Silverstone: Pet rocks. Please review! Suggestions appreciated!**

**Random quote: "If you don't think there is magic in writing, you probably won't write anything magical." –Terry Brooks**

**Another random quote: "Hacked is such an ugly word. . . ." –Finch **


	14. Chapter 14

**Thanks to Dr Merlin, Ranger Amethyst, AreiaCananaid, IFYOUCOULDFLY, Guest FarmersDaughter, Savannah Silverstone, Guest LordAstral, Guest Ranger Robbin (Finch from Person of Interest), Dash99, and Sonya-Valentine for their reviews and suggestions! Sorry for any spelling/grammar mistakes.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Ranger's Apprentice, YouTube, iPhones, or Lord of the Rings**

Everyone but Halt (who still refused to wear a swim suit) and Erak lounged in the pool. "Erak!" Crowley shouted. "Get in!"

"No, thank you." The Oberjarl looked terrified.

"Come on! Don't be like Halt!"

Now, since this was such an atrocious fate, Erak dived head-first into the pool—and came up spluttering and flailing. "Help!" he screamed. "I can't swim!"

Halt snorted. "You're the Oberjarl of Skandia and you don't know how to swim? That's so sad."

"News flash," Erak gasped, his head bobbing in and out of the water. "Most Skandians can't swim!"

Halt eyed him. "News flash," he said, smirking. "The pool is only five and a half feet deep."

"Oh. . . ." Erak stood up, water streaming from his hair and beard.

Halt sighed and stood up. "I'll teach you how to swim." He jumped into the pool (in his knee-length trousers and shirt, I might add) next to Erak. "First of all, you need to learn to float, which should be easy in your case."

"Why?" Erak asked suspiciously.

"I hear fat floats. Anyway, put your arms out then lean slowly back and slowly bring your legs up." Erak followed these instructions and was soon floating on his back.

And then Horace screamed. "Halt!" Erak flailed and was sucked under water—again.

Shigeru stopped mid-step. "Why would I stop?"

"Halt!" Horace yelled, taking no notice of Shigeru. "Your beard is white!"

Halt glared at the young knight (or bash-and-whacker, your choice). "No, it's salt-and-pepper gray."

"Well, it suddenly has a lot more salt in it than pepper," Will said.

Halt groaned and stepped out of the pool. He walked up to Cassandra, who was trying to apply waterproof mascara to her already wet face, and snatched the mirror out of her hands.

"Well, for once Horace is right!" he exclaimed. You see, in the royal family of Clonmel, chlorine turns the men's hair white. But in some cases, like Halt's, it only turns their facial hair white, leaving the top of their heads the original color.

Just then, they heard a battle cry. "Arrgghhh!" Selethen screeched. For some odd reason, Selethen was sitting on Sean's shoulders. They faced Shigeru and Duncan, who were in the same position. Selethen and Shigeru were wrestling overhead while Duncan and Sean ran around the pool chasing each other.

Gilan's eyes widened. "Chicken fight!"

But, like all odd things, it ended badly. Alyss and Will had been trying to patch up the inflatable slide that Ebony had punctured with orange tie-dye and purple zebra print duct tape (which clashed horribly with the yellow and hot pink slide). In this attempt, they had managed to stick the tape to themselves, everyone else, several trees, the cabin, and pretty much everything besides the slide. And that meant that Selethen and Shigeru fell off their friends and into the pool with an all-mighty SPLASH!

"Will!" Duncan spluttered as he pulled himself out of the pool and tore a piece of zebra duct tape off his cheek. "Why did you do that?!"

"It wasn't just me!" Will protested. "Alyss helped too!"

"Oh, yeah," Jenny said. "Blame it on your girlfriend. Real mature."

"But Alyss helped! Right, Alyss?"

"I don't know what you are talking about," Alyss said, stashing two rolls of duct tape behind her back.

"Then why are you holding duct tape?"

"I was going to tape your mouth shut." This statement was greeted with much exuberant applause.

Will was going to protest but just then a peculiar man ran out of the woods. The man was very short (even shorter than Halt!) and fur covered his feet instead of shoes. He stopped in front of Halt. "You wouldn't believe it!" he wheezed. "Gollum has stolen my Ring!"

"Ummmm, who are you?"

He took a closer look at Halt. "Whoopsy! My bad! I thought you were Gandalf for a second! I'm Bilbo Baggins, but I most go!" Mr. Baggins hurried away, taking no heed of the party of shocked persons he left behind.

"Well, then," Selethen said faintly. "That was . . . interesting."

Halt yelped, and everyone turned to face him. "Oh, sorry! I seem to have dropped my glass eye!" he said, picking up said glass eye and showing it to them. They screamed and started to run away but Halt yelled, "You people are so gullible! It's a _marble_."

They stopped and turned around. "Halt, that was uncalled for," Gilan said in a "robot" voice.

"Gilan," Halt sighed. "Why don't we take a ride in the elevator?"

"What elevator?" Gilan asked, still in his "robot" voice.

"Come with me." Halt started toward the house and Gilan followed.

A minute later, those outside heard several loud sobs and a yell of, "Relax, Gilan! None of the cables broke! In fact, this is my closet!" Gilan and Halt came out of the house, one smirking, one crying.

"I can't believe you did that, Halt!" Gilan sobbed, abandoning the "robot" voice.

"I can. And now I'm putting it on YouTube!" Halt said, touching the screen of his iPhone.

"That hurts me deep down, Halt!"

"You said that when I kicked your teddy bear last year."

"Teddy needed therapy after that too!"

Then they noticed something. "Will?" Halt asked.

"Yeah?"

"Why are you wearing a bicycle helmet?"

"It's part of my astronaut training!" Will said proudly.

"I see. . . ."

Then Will shouted, "TEN, NINE, EIGHT. . . ."

"Twenty-nine!" Horace shouted.

"TWENTY-EIGHT, TWENTY-SEVEN, TWENTY-SIX. . . ."

"One million sixty-four thousand three hundred eighty-three."

"ONE MILLION SIX—Hey!" Will shouted. "No shouting random numbers when I'm trying to count!"

Suddenly, a figure on a white horse rounded a bend in the trail and appeared. The figure slowly came closer until they could make out who it was. "Um, Halt? Why is your beard white and why is Will wearing a bicycle helmet?" Pauline asked.

**Yes, after thirteen (or would it be fourteen?) chapters I have finally added Pauline! Never thought I'd see the day! Anyways, suggestions! IFYOUCOULDFLY: Chicken fight and YouTube video. AreiaCananaid: Halt teaches Erak how to swim. Ranger Amethyst: Will and Alyss try to patch up the slide, but end up stuck to everything. Guest Ranger Robbin: Lord of the Rings appear. Dash99: Halt's beard turns white because of the chlorine. Dr Merlin: Holler random numbers when someone is counting, I must wear a bicycle helmet for my astronaut training, "robot" voice, glass eye incident, and "elevator" incident. All other suggestions will be used in a later chapter. Please review! Suggestions appreciated!**


	15. Chapter 15

**Thanks to Guest Tessi, Savannah Silverstone, Guest FarmersDaughter, AreiaCananaid, Guest Ranger Robbin (I like the suggestion, but I've never actually finished reading LOTR so I might tweak it a little. Or I could do an continuation story of this fic after I finish it, and— Um, yes, I have a few ideas for continuation fics. . . .), Dash99, Ranger Amethyst, Unfocused and Confused, and Dr Merlin for their reviews and suggestions! Sorry for any spelling/grammar mistakes.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Ranger's Apprentice.**

"Oh, um, hi, Pauline," Halt mumbled.

"Hi!" everyone else shouted.

Pauline eyed the situation. Halt's beard was white (how had that happened?). Crowley and Selethen were arguing about whether Rangers or ninjas were better. Duncan was wearing a weird white wig and a white lab coat while yelling something about mad scientists. Jenny, Alyss, and Cassandra were squealing about something called the NBA. Svengal had fallen asleep and Erak was screaming in his ear. Gilan was sneaking up on Horace. Oh, wait, he just blasted that air horn in Horace's ear. And for some odd reason, Will (who had gotten rid of the bicycle helmet) hid behind Ebony while Shigeru and Sean glared at him.

Pauline sighed. "ALRIGHT!" she yelled. Everyone stopped what they were doing. "I have some questions!"

The fourteen other people in the room nodded while Ebony cocked her head to the side thoughtfully.

"First of all, why is your beard white, Halt?"

"Chlorine bleached it," Halt muttered.

"And secondly, why are the rulers of four countries, the princess of one, the prince of one, the Wakir of another, a skirl from Skandia, three Rangers—not including you, Halt—, a courier, a dog, and a cook doing at my house?"

Halt glanced at those around him. "Should I just tell her everything?"

They nodded. "It would make more sense. Not that everything made sense, but yeah. . . ." Duncan said.

Halt turned to Pauline. "You might want to sit down."

They all walked over to a large tree and sat in its shade.

"So," Halt started, "I got the surgery done and Gilan and Will brought Crowley and Horace along with them when they went to pick me up. We went to my apartment in Castle Redmont, and I took a nap. And I had this really weird dream. . . . Anyway, Erak and Svengal woke me up by screaming in my ear."

Pauline smirked. "You didn't sense them coming?"

"I was hyped up on drugs."

"And the reason we were there was we knew Halt was going to be pumped full awareness-stripping drugs," Erak said, expecting Pauline's next question.

"And then Halt started an argument about boats with me," Svengal announced.

"Will started asking random questions," Crowley added.

"And Halt said he liked Blaze better than Tug!" Will whined.

"With good reason," Gilan said evenly.

"And you started talking about Cookie Monster," Halt said pointedly.

"Then Alyss and Cassandra appeared talking about One Direction," Horace said.

"After that, Shigeru, Selethen, Duncan, and Sean appeared," Alyss added.

"And we wanted to see Halt when he was loopy," Sean explained.

"And all the guys piled on Selethen because he wouldn't give them his _kafay_," Cassandra said.

"Arald appeared because he found Ebony in his quarters," Shigeru said.

"Gilan started shouting stuff about Star Wars and then sung a whole bunch of nonsensical songs," Duncan continued.

"And Halt stole my coffee!" Will complained.

"And Erak broke the coffee pot!" Halt said, glaring at the aforementioned Skandian.

"So I called Jenny asking for a coffee pot," Gilan said.

"I went to Dunkin' Donuts," Duncan said.

"Halt had some painkillers and they kicked in so he started yelling about the Evil Unchangeable Annoying Pillow Pet Army of Death, Doom, and Destruction," Selethen added. Pauline smirked.

"Jenny arrived with the coffee pot, and Duncan with frappes," Crowley said.

"We thought the frappes were horrible, but Will thought they were good and then he left," Halt said.

"Cassandra and I left," Alyss said.

"Will appeared with Tug because Tug was afraid of the rain," Gilan said.

"And Tug pooped all over the carpet," Shigeru muttered.

"He did what?" Pauline gasped.

"Don't worry, I made Will clean it up," Halt said evilly.

"Then Tug started eating the apples, but Jenny took them away from him and made them into an apple cobbler. Then Will led him downstairs," Horace explained in one breath.

"Gilan had an energy drink and started singing Justin Bieber songs," Selethen said grumpily.

"Did you know that Duncan's been on _The Bachelor_?" Halt asked.

"Will came back and made Halt do really simple crossword puzzles," Sean said.

"Oh, and Duncan was on a dating website," Halt added. Pauline's eyes widened but she didn't say anything.

"Then I left 'cause Gilan wanted a Barbie doll over me," Jenny said grumpily.

"Then we had an argument about saying the word 'y'all'," Crowley added.

"And I went to the stable to get Gilan's Blankie, and the horses were talking. . . ." Halt trailed off as his wife questioned his sanity.

"And I got a date!" Duncan yelled triumphantly.

"And Horace asked where everyone was going to sleep," Shigeru said.

"Which prompted Crowley to sing 'Feel This Moment', don't ask why," Selethen said with a reproachful glare at Crowley.

"Then we had a silly string and toothpaste fight," Will said cheerily.

"Then Sir Rodney appeared and was sucked into the fight," Horace said.

"So Master Chubb came and stopped the fight. Rodney left with him," Erak said.

"And Will and Gilan drew on people's faces with Sharpies," Halt said angrily.

"And Halt and I woke up and realized that we both had Sharpie all over our faces in the form of makeup," Duncan said, glaring maliciously at Will and Gilan.

"So we washed off our faces, woke up Sean, Selethen, Horace, and Crowley, and hung Will and Gilan from the roof by their toes.

Pauline gasped. "You didn't!"

"He did," Will pouted.

"And the horses told us they wanted to be unicorns for Halloween," Crowley added.

"Then I cut Gilan down and tortured Will with coffee," Halt said.

"Then we cut Will down while Halt was in the bathroom," Svengal said.

"And we taught Halt how to do the Gangnam Style dance," Will announced triumphantly.

"Then the doctor came and gave Halt four numbing shots before realizing that it had already been done so Halt couldn't talk for a while," Sean said.

"Umm," Pauline said, "are you almost done? Because we're over a thousand words already."

"We've only got another four chapters," Gilan said brightly.

"Anyway, Will sang Graybeard Halt," Erak said.

"And Jack Frost froze the coffee but disappeared before we could kill him," Crowley said.

"Alyss, Jenny, and Cassandra came back," Halt said.

"Crowley's scared of pandas!" Selethen exclaimed.

"Halt regained the ability to talk," Duncan said.

"Then we had an argument about whether the cookie or cream part of an Oreo is better," Jenny said.

"Then we learned that there was no coffee left so we had to go buy some," Shigeru explained.

"Then we went to go find Arald so he could fix the apartment 'cause it's a little beat up," Halt said, glancing warily at his wife. She just sighed.

"But Arald was practicing with his traveling circus," Alyss said. Pauline's jaw dropped as she tried to imagine this.

"And since it's going to take a few days, we moved to Halt's cabin," Cassandra said.

"Then everyone but Halt set up for a pool party," Shigeru said.

"Ebony broke the inflatable slide," Will exclaimed, pointing at said slide.

"Erak got in the pool but couldn't swim so Halt showed him how, but the chlorine bleached Halt's beard white," Horace said.

"Selethen, Sean, Shigeru, and Duncan had a chicken fight," Alyss said.

"But Will and Alyss were trying to fix a slide and got everyone—and everything—stuck to duct tape," Svengal said.

"Will was wearing helmet as part of his 'astronaut training'," Crowley added.

"And then you appeared," Halt finished.

Pauline eyed the group before her. "I think you guys missed the bus to Loony Ville."

**Sorry, this chapter was really long and just explaining everything in earlier chapters. It was necessary though. Suggestions! Guest LordAstral: Ninjas vs. Rangers argument. Savannah Silverstone: NBA fangirliness. Dr Merlin: Duncan thinks he's a mad scientist, scream in someone's ear when they are asleep, get a really loud horn and sneak up on someone. All other suggestions will be used in the next or a later chapter. Please review!**


	16. Chapter 16

**Sorry for the late update! Thanks to AreiaCananaid, Ranger Amethyst, Guest FarmersDaughter (Who finally has an account. Her penname is FarmersGirl101 if anyone wants to check it out.), Savannah Silverstone, Guest Ranger Robbin, Dr Merlin, HatakeFire, Guest hafsa, hey y'all watch this, Dash99, Guest Shian (Of course! I love adding more characters! Any requests? I can add ghosts too if you want. And I'm sure I can add in lots of Will and Gilan's Master Plans.), goahanany, and feet269 for their reviews and suggestions! Sorry for any spelling/grammar mistakes.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Ranger's Apprentice, Chap Stick, Fix You, Crack a Bottle, or Burn My Shadow.**

Pauline sighed at the wreckage of Halt's cabin. "Halt, I swear you couldn't keep a house clean to save your life!" she exclaimed, exasperated.

After Pauline had made her last remark about their sanity, she had decided to try to clean up the duct tape mess. Sadly, she got tangled up and fell in the pool. Then Crowley bought some turtles. Of course, Gilan and Will painted numbers on their backs and raced them down the hall. Cassandra won the most money from betting on them and then started yelling about winning the lottery. And then purple pigs invaded and Gilan tried to ride one. Now Halt's cabin wasn't in much better shape than their apartment in Castle Redmont.

"I can too keep a house clean! It's these idiots who make it such a mess!" Halt protested.

Selethen eyed him. "I'm not an idiot. Anyway, we need to dye your beard black again."

Halt eyed himself in a mirror in the living room. He had to admit that he looked awful with salt-and-pepper gray hair and a white beard. But he didn't really trust Selethen with dying his hair. Oh well, no one else was volunteering. "Fine," he grumbled.

Selethen smiled. "Good. Now get a stool and sit in front of the kitchen sink and I'll go get the dye."

Halt gestured to Sean. "Get me a stool."

Sean scowled at him. "But I'm a king!"

Halt smirked. "And so am I."

"Oh, yeah. . . ." Sean grabbed a stool and set it in front of the kitchen sink.

Halt sat down and Selethen appeared with a box of hair dye. He snapped his fingers and—no, that wasn't Anthony and Martin was it? "WHO'S HAIR ARE YOU DYEING THIS TIME, SIR?" Martin shouted. Well, that cleared some things up.

Selethen smiled. "Halt's. Now, get going."

"Yes, sir!" the two men replied. They got to work covering the floor with newspaper and draping a towel around Halt's shoulders. Next, Martin produced a tube of Chap Stick from his pocket.

"Hey!" Halt shouted. "What are you going to do with that?"

"We have to put it around your hairline so the dye doesn't stain your skin," Anthony replied.

Halt glared at them. "Fine, but this is weird."

Martin removed the cap and traced Halt's hairline with it. When Martin was done, Selethen snapped on a pair of gloves. He took the brush full of hair dye and started to coat Halt's beard. He then worked the dye into Halt's beard like shampoo.

Erak leaned over to Svengal and whispered in his ear, "I sure hope he's not gay."

Selethen glanced up from setting a timer on the stove. "I heard that! And I'm not." Halt sighed in relief.

Selethen looked at the box and then noticed something. "Oh, shoot! I accidentally grabbed the red hair dye!" Exaggerated groans of horror emanated from the crowd. Halt glared at them.

Halt turned slightly to face Selethen. "Fix this you or I'll fix your face!"

Crowley gasped. "While you do that, can I sing a song I just remembered?" he asked, practically jumping up and down.

Halt glared at him. "Couldn't make my day any worse."

"Oh goody!" Crowley shouted.

Selethen grabbed a wet towel and started wiping as much dye as possible out of Halt's beard then started to dye his hair black.

Crowley started to sing, "When you try your best, but you don't succeed/When you get what you want, but not what you need/When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep/Stuck in reverse."

"You're butchering the song!" Duncan shouted, throwing a tomato at the unfortunate Ranger. "Sing something different!"

Crowley glared at him and wiped the tomato off his cloak. "Ooww Ladies and gentlemen/The moment you've all been waiting for . . ./In this cor—"

"That song is inappropriate!" Will screamed.

Crowley sighed. "Fine. Somebody else sing."

Duncan grinned. "Can I?"

Halt shrugged. "Whatever."

Duncan started to sing, "I have burned my tomorrows/And I stand inside today/At the edge of the future/And my dreams all fade away."

Sean joined in and they switched verses. "I have burned my tomorrows/And I stand inside today/At the edge of the future/And my dreams all fade away."

"And burn my shadow away/And burn my shadow away."

"I faced my destroyer/I was ambushed by a lie/And you judged me once for falling/This wounded heart will rise."

Selethen set the timer again and listened happily to the surprisingly good singers.

Sean and Duncan sang together for the next verses. "And burn my shadow away/And burn my shadow away/When I see the light/True love forever/When I see the light/True love forever/When I see the light/True love forever/When I see the light/True love forever/When I see the light/True love forever."

"Burn my shadow," Selethen sang softly.

"When I see the light/True love forever/When I see the light/True love forever."

"Burn my shadow."

"When I see the light/True love forever."

"Away."

"And burn my shadow away/And burn my shadow away."

Duncan ended the song by himself. "Oh, how I loved you."

There was a moment of silence and then applause and cheers started and kept going for several minutes.

Orman burst through the door. "Oh, my gosh! You guys should be on a new TV singing show I'm hosting!" he shouted.

The timer on the stove went off and Orman glanced at Halt. "You're still loopy, right? We aren't too late?" Halt grabbed a nearby banana and threw it at the young Lord of Castle Macindaw.

**Sorry again for the late update! School's out now so hopefully I'll be able to update more. Suggestions! Ranger Amethyst: Pauline tries to clean up the duct tape, but falls in the pool. Dr Merlin: purple pigs, Cassandra says she won the lottery, and racing turtles. AreiaCananaid: Selethen tries to dye Halt's hair back but dyes it the wrong color. The last song is Burn My Shadow by U.N.K.L.E. and it's really good so you should listen to it. Please review! Suggestions appreciated!**


	17. Chapter 17

**Thanks to AreiaCananaid, FarmersGirl101, Awesomeaussieautobot, hey y'all watch this, AwsomeWierdo, Guest Shian (You're welcome!), and Dash99 for their reviews and suggestions! Sorry for any spelling/grammar mistakes.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Ranger's Apprentice, The Inheritance Cycle, McDonalds, or Google.**

Pauline glanced over the mess and all the various people and animals in the cabin. "Alright!" she shouted. Everyone glanced at her. "I want everyone to line up so I can write down who is all here. Sort by country, countries in alphabetical order. Horace, Will, Gilan, don't even try to figure out what the alphabet is. Follow Halt."

Crowley raised his hand. "Yes, Crowley?" Pauline asked.

"What order do we get in after we do countries?"

"Alphabetical by first name. Alyss and Cassandra, make sure your husbands are in the right place. Jenny, make sure Gilan is in the right place."

"I know how the alphabet goes," Will said in a slightly angry voice.

Halt raised an eyebrow. "What goes after M?"

"Q."

Pauline glared at them. "Alright." She pulled out a pad of paper and a pen and wrote down each name as she said it. "Courier Alyss Treaty of Araluen, Lord Anthony of Araluen, Princess Cassandra of Araluen, Ranger Crowley Meratyn of Araluen, King Duncan of Araluen, Ranger Gilan of Araluen," Pauline glanced up from writing to see Orman's hand up. "Yes, Orman?"

"Why, exactly, are you doing everyone's full name?"

"'Cause I want to."

"Oh."

"Ranger Halt O'Carrick of Araluen formerly Prince Halt O'Carrick of Clonmel, Sir and Prince Horace Altman of Araluen, Chef Jenny Dalby of Araluen, Martin of Araluen—"

"What?!" Martin interrupted. "I only get 'Martin of Araluen'? After all I've done for this country? You know what? No, no, you are not doing this to me. This—this is just so wrong. I—I'm just going to leave." Martin put his hands on his hips and stalked out of Halt's cabin.

Everyone stared after him. "Well. . . ." Selethen muttered.

"I did not see that coming," Crowley murmured.

"Okay," Pauline said, "no more Martin." She scratched his name off her list.

Martin stalked back in.

"What? No, I just crossed your name off!" Pauline exclaimed. "Now I have to write it again!"

Martin ignored her. He reached over and snatched his hat from the counter. "Forgot my hat," he said as regally as possible and stalked out again.

Pauline decided to just continue. "Lord Orman of Araluen, Lady Pauline of Araluen, and Ranger Will Treaty of Araluen."

"You know, Pauline," Halt said, "seeing as you are a lady, am I a lord?"

Pauline glared at him. "You wish." She went back to the list. "Wakir Seley el'then a.k.a. Selethen of Arrida, King Sean O'Carrick of Clonmel, Emperor Shigeru of Nijon-ja, Oberjarl Erak Starfollower of Skandia, and Skirl Svengal of Skandia. That looks like it. Oh, wait, and Ebony, of course."

Halt glared at the group around him. "You do know that it should be physically impossible for seventeen people and a dog to fit in my cabin, right?"

"That's what YOU think," Erak said.

"Um, okay?" Halt mumbled.

Sean glanced around. "Why is there a weird black cat sitting in that corner?" he asked.

"That's what YOU think," Erak said again. Sean frowned at him.

The cat padded closer to the group. _Hello_, it said to them in their minds, _you may call me Solembum. There is no need to introduce yourselves. I just heard all your names and you humans of this universe have no mental protection._

"That's what YOU thi—" Erak started to say again before Alyss reached over and slapped him.

"Shut up. You're annoying me."

Solembum paid them no attention. _You have recently met a woman I know. Her name is Angela. Do you know where she currently is?_

Halt nodded. "At Castle Redmont. Just go through the forest, over the bridge, and you will see a triangular red castle. Go there and she should be there."

The cat nodded. _Thank you._ He turned and left quietly.

After a few minutes, Selethen remarked, "Well, we've certainly met some weird creatures and people the last few days. . . ."

Will suddenly gasped. Everyone turned to look at him. "Gilan, I have more fangirls than you do!"

Gilan scowled at him. "That's not possible. It's well known that I have more!"

"No, you don't! _I'm_ the main character! You only appear in five of the books!"

Pauline sighed. "Guys, I just Googled it. Halt has the most."

"What?!" both cried.

Halt groaned. "I hate fangirls. They are soooo annoying!"

"Which reminds me," Gilan said, "Will, we have to do Master Plan #37!"

"How does that—" Cassandra started.

"That's right!" Will exclaimed and pulled out his phone. "Everyone be quiet." He dialed a number on his phone and it started to ring. He put it on speaker.

"Hello?" a woman's voice asked.

Will motioned to Gilan. "Hi, did you order McDonalds?" Gilan asked in a high, odd voice.

"Um, no," the woman answered.

"Are you sure? We got two Big Macs for you."

The woman sighed. "Yes, I'm sure. Why are you making the phone calls if you don't have good grammar?"

"I don't know. Here's my manager. Ask him." Will tossed the phone to Duncan.

"Hello, ma'am," Duncan said uncertainly.

"Hello. I take it you are the manager?"

"Yes."

"Why did your employee call me about an order I allegedly made if McDonalds does not deliver?"

"Uhh, why don't you talk to the owner of McDonalds?" He tossed the phone to Halt.

"What do you want? My coffee's getting cold," Halt said angrily.

"Are all you people this rude?!" the woman exclaimed.

"Only when you get in between me and my coffee."

The woman sighed in disgust and hung up. They snorted with laughter.

Well, Halt didn't. "I really hate these Master Plans of yours," he said.

Will shook his head sadly. "You are such a party pooper today!"

"I take pride in that."

"You're mean, Halt!"

"I take pride in that too."

"Shut up, Halt," Pauline said.

"Yes, dear."

**Odd way to end this chappie and this chappie sorta sucked, but I needed to update so hopefully you don't think it was that horrible. Suggestions! HatakeFire: Gilan and Will fight over who has the most fangirls, but it turns out Halt has the most. Ranger indecisive: Reply to everything with "That's what YOU think." Sonya-Valentine: Add Solembum. Please review! Suggestions appreciated!**


	18. Chapter 18

**Thanks to i'masian-aru, Ranger indecisive, AwsomeWierdo, Guest Tug Treaty (Thank you!), Savannah Silverstone, and Phoenix Risin (formerly FarmersGirl101) for their reviews and suggestions! Sorry for any spelling/grammar mistakes.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Ranger's Apprentice, Dora, Batman, the cup song, Wanted, or Alice in Wonderland.**

"Hey, guys?" Erak asked.

"Yeah?" Selethen answered.

"Does anyone know where Svengal went?"

"No," Duncan said.

"I thought he mentioned something about target practice," Jenny said, frowning.

Halt and Crowley looked at each other as they realized Gilan's bow was missing. "Uh-oh," they said. They rushed outside. Everyone else, not knowing what to do, hurried after them.

They spotted Svengal over by where the archery targets were set up. He was trying to nock an arrow. The problem? The bow was facing the wrong way. Svengal started to pull (or would that be push?) back the string. Halt had to do the only thing he could to stop the Skandian. He ran into him and knocked him over.

The bow flew out of Svengal's hands and landed harmlessly on the ground. "Hey!" the skirl shouted. "Why did you do that? I had it down just fine."

"If you consider shooting yourself in your face,—not that it could make it any uglier, of course—then I suppose so," Halt said, standing up and brushing off his pants.

Svengal stood up too. "How was I going to manage that?"

"You were pointing the bow at yourself!"

"I was?"

Before Halt could yell at Svengal some more for being an idiot, he noticed that everyone else, save the more responsible, was TP-ing his cabin. "WILL, GILAN, AND YOU OTHER IDIOTS, STOP COVERING MY HOUSE WITH TOILET PAPER!" he screamed.

They stopped, but the annoyances did not stop. A girl with an oval-shaped head and carrying a purple backpack on her back, which, oddly enough, had a face on it, hurried out of the woods and stood five feet in front of Halt's partially TP-ed cabin. "Where's the cabin?" she asked.

"Oh my gosh, it's Dora!" Will and Gilan shouted.

"Where's the cabin?" Dora asked again, totally oblivious to the two fanboys.

"The cabin is behind you," Halt replied.

"Where's the cabin?"

"It. Is. Right. Behind. You."

"Where's the cabin?"

"OMG! IT'S—"

"NO PROFANITY!" Gilan screeched.

"RIGHT BEHIND YOU!"

"There's the cabin!" Dora exclaimed brightly. "We have to steer clear of this cabin because that's where Swiper lives. Vamos! But we must go quietly." Dora started to tiptoe away.

Halt exchanged a glance with Crowley. "Did she just—"

"Yes. Yes, she did, Halt."

By this time, Dora had tiptoed away, but they were not done with the severely odd and demented. A girl with black hair ran into the clearing. "Gilan!" she yelled, heading straight toward him.

"Ahhh! Not another fangirl!" Gilan screamed and started to run away. The girl chased him around for a few more minutes then gave up and, dropping a piece of paper presumably with her phone number on it, disappeared among the trees. Gilan ignored the piece of paper.

But there was no rest for the group. Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, and Alice from Alice and Wonderland came into view down the path. Alice was chattering about some tea party. Then she noticed Halt.

"Dear Mad Hatter, what has happened to your hat?" she asked.

"My what now?"

"Don't worry, old friend, Loch Ness and Bigfoot will accompany me in finding your hat. We shan't be long." They hurried back up the path, presumably in pursuit of Halt's non-existent hat.

Then Orman decided to exhibit his singing voice, which, unfortunately, was very croaky. "'Cause I wanna wrap you up/Wanna kiss your lips/I wanna make you feel wanted/And I wanna call you mine/Wanna hold your hand forever/And never let you forget it/Yeah, I, I wanna make you feel wan—"

"Orman, do not sing!" Duncan ordered.

"Why?"

"You are _awful_."

"Ohhh, no wonder people don't watch my singing competition TV show!"

"I'm pretty sure there's more than one reason," Selethen muttered.

Then a man dressed in dark gray spandex with (curiously) black underwear on the outside of his pants and a black cloak ran out of the woods. Halt then noticed a yellow oval with a black bat in the center on the man's chest.

Apparently, Erak saw it too. "Ermagerd! Shut the front door! Batman!" he shouted as loud as a true Skandian and almost shattered everyone's eardrums.

"To the Batmobile!" Batman shouted and rushed off without paying attention to them and hopped on a black horse with the same symbol that was on Batman's chest on its sides. He urged the animal into a gallop and they dashed away.

Suddenly, Will, Gilan, Anthony, Shigeru, Svengal, Horace, and Sean ran into the house. A minute later they returned with their arms full of cups. They set them carefully on the large picnic table that Will had installed two years ago.

"Everyone sit down!" Sean ordered.

Everyone sat down at the picnic table and Gilan and Will passed a glass to everyone. The extras they set on the floor.

"So, what are we doing?" Pauline asked.

"This is Master Plan #24," Gilan replied. "You guys are going to use the cups in a certain way to make music while I sing the cup song."

"The what now?" Orman asked.

"It's a song that was on Pitch Perfect."

"Oh."

"Gilan, you can't sing the song," Alyss protested.

"Why?"

"Because a girl originally sings it."

"So? Are you going to sing it instead?"

"Yes."

Gilan looked slightly shocked. "Alright."

"Does everyone know how to use the cups to make the music?" Sean asked.

Halt, Pauline, Crowley, Erak, and Orman shook their heads. "You don't know the cup song?" Svengal asked flabbergasted.

"I know what it is, I just don't know how to do it," Erak responded grumpily.

Sean decided to intervene and showed everyone the motions. When everyone was at least mediocre at it, they started.

Alyss banged the cup on the table and flipped it over her hands. "I've got my ticket for the long way 'round/Two bottle whiskey for the way/And I sure would like some sweet company/And I'm leaving tomorrow. What d'you say?"

More people joined in with their cups. "When I'm gone, when I'm gone/You're gonna miss me when I'm gone/You're gonna miss me by my hair/You're gonna miss me everywhere, oh/You're gonna miss me when I'm gone!"

Alyss repeated the verse again and Cassandra decided to take over. Alyss didn't seem to care. "I've got my ticket for the long way 'round/The one with the prettiest of views/It's got mountains, it's got rivers/It's got sights to give you shivers/But it sure would be prettier with you!"

Jenny butted in and sang the next verse, "When I'm gone, when I'm gone/You're gonna miss me when I'm gone/You're gonna miss me by my walk/You're gonna miss me by my talk, oh/You're gonna miss me when I'm gone!"

The three girls decided to sing in harmony and finished the last two verses, which were the same as the last one, together.

"You guys aren't really going away are you?" Horace asked.

"No, but we can if you want us too," Cassandra said.

"Okay!" Gilan exclaimed brightly. Then he flinched and lost his smile when he saw Jenny's face. "Or not. . . ."

**Did you know that the cup song actually isn't totally annoying? It's actually pretty cool. So I had my three best friends over this weekend and we were looking up tons of random videos on YouTube and we looked up the cup song because I hadn't heard it before. Yes, I seriously hadn't. Anyway, suggestions! AreiaCananaid: Svengal tries to shoot a bow but points it at himself. hey y'all watch this: TP Halt's cabin and sing the cup song (originally discover the internet and get obsessed with the cup song but I changed it). i'masian-aru: Add Dora. Savannah Silverstone: Fangirl chasing Gilan. (She said I could make it her so I mentioned the girl having black hair. Anyway, then I realized that I just put "the severely odd and demented." So I don't mean that Savannah is demented or odd just that weird things were happening. Hopefully that made sense.) Guest Tessi: Add Bigfoot, the Loch Ness monster, and Alice from Alice in Wonderland. Phoenix Risin: Hunter Hayes song. feet269: Add Batman. Please review! Suggestions appreciated!**


	19. Chapter 19

**Thanks to IFYOUCOULDFLY, Ranger indecisive, Phoenix Risin, Savannah Silverstone, Dash99, Guest Shian, AwsomeWierdo, and Book Soldier for their reviews and suggestions! Sorry for any spelling/grammar mistakes. You know, since writing last chapter, I've heard the cup song on the radio a lot. I wonder if I'd heard it before and didn't realize what it was. . . .**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Ranger's Apprentice, YouTube, My Little Pony, Pringles, Taco Bell, Without Me, Coke, Merlin**

Everyone was sitting in Halt's cabin. "Yes!" Halt shouted.

Everyone glanced up curiously. Halt wasn't usually very excited about anything.

"I just finished making a YouTube channel! Well, almost. What should I call it?"

"XxRainbowdashxX!" Gilan said enthusiastically.

"No," Halt said quickly.

"How about Mr. Sarcastic?" Pauline asked.

"What? Me? Sarcastic?" Halt said.

"Yeah, I know, we'd never guess," Duncan said drily.

"Oh, I know!" Crowley said and leaned over and whispered something in Halt's ear.

Halt's eyes widened. "No, no, and _no_, Crowley! I just couldn't be _that_ evil. Or maybe I could. . . ." Halt glanced at Pauline. "No, I couldn't. But good idea, Crowley."

"The Coffee King?" Sean suggested.

Halt ignored him and said, "I'm thinking 'The Coffee Master.' Yeah, I'm doing that." Halt typed it in the bar at the top of the page on his laptop and hit save. "Alright! Time for my first video!" Halt grabbed a camera off from the fireplace mantel and set it to record. "Okay, I'm going to press play and that will be our first YouTube video." He hit play.

Gilan gasped. "I wonder if I can swallow my tongue!"

Halt reached over and snatched the cheese stick that Svengal conveniently had in his hand and smacked Gilan with it. "Oh my gosh! That's one of the most idiotic things you've ever said!"

Someone's phone started to ring. "Now this looks like a job for me/So everybody, just follow me/'Cause we need a little, controversy/'Cause it feels so empty, without me."

Svengal and Erak started to do the robot to the song. Sean glared at them and answered his phone. "Hello? No, I didn't order Taco Bell. Will, you can't prank call someone when you're in the same room."

"Why not?" Will asked.

"Because I know it's not Taco Bell calling."

"Ohhh."

"And that's the end of my first video!" Halt said happily and turned off the camera.

"OMG," Alyss squealed. "Cass, did you hear that new song by Taylor Swift and Ed Sheeran?!"

"Yeah! It's, like, totes amazing! I love Ed Sheeran sooo much!"

"Taylor's better!"

"What? No way! She dated Justin Beiber! I mean, seriously, you just can't do that!"

"Especially when he's mine."

"No, he's mine!"

"Mine!"

"Mine!"

Anthony rolled his eyes and took a bite of a Pringle. The girls stopped their argument and all eyes turned to the chamberlain.

"Those are my chips!" Shigeru shouted.

"Mine!" Svengal and Selethen screamed in unison.

"It's mine!" Crowley argued.

Duncan reached out and snatched the Pringles from Anthony. "I get them because I'm the king of this country!"

"Fine. . . ." everyone grumbled.

Halt sighed and sat back in his chair at the table opposite Will and opened up a newspaper. Will reached for his Coke and took a sip.

Suddenly, Halt shouted, "What ineffable twaddle!"

Will's eyes widened and he spluttered, his soda spraying all over Halt's face. "WHAT?!" he choked.

Halt paid no attention and didn't even wipe the Coke off his face. "I never read such rubbish in my life."

"What is it?" Crowley asked.

"Why, this article. It says the earth goes around the sun!"

"Uhh, everyone knows that, Halt. I know that," Will said.

"Hey, Halt, what're these?" Orman asked, holding up a package of markers.

"Those are those scented markers. Got them for a wedding present. . . ." Pauline said.

"How do you release the smell?" Horace asked.

"I dunno. Maybe you squeeze it till all the color disappears?" Erak suggested.

"However you do it, you're not doing it in my house," Pauline said and took the markers from Orman and put them back away.

A lanky young man with brown hair strolled into the cabin. "I am Merlin and I'm going to cast a spell on you, Will! Bedane sorono wekarni!"

"_What did I ever do to you_?" Will sang. "_Why am I singing_?"

"Oh, nothing really. I just thought it would be funny. You're singing because I put a spell on you."

"_Halt! Help me_!"

"What? And miss watching you be humiliated? No way!"

"_You're just mean, Halt_!"

"Oh, I know."

"Halt, do something!" Pauline said.

"Why?"

"Because I like Will better than you!"

Halt's mouth fell open. He tried to speak but nothing came out.

Merlin grinned. "Ah, Halt is speechless. My mission here is done. Oh, and, Halt, I made her say that." Merlin disappeared.

Halt recovered and looked around. "Where'd Erak go?"

Then they heard a piercing scream. "AAAAAAAAAAGGH! OWWWWW!"

They rushed to the bathroom, where the sound was coming from. Erak sat on the edge of the bathtub with shaving cream all over his legs and a razor in his hand.

"What are you doing?" Svengal asked.

"Trying to shave my legs," Erak said.

"Ummm, guys aren't supposed to shave their legs. . . ." Jenny said slowly.

"They're not?"

"No. . . ."

"Oh, good, this was starting to hurt!"

"Shaving your legs doesn't—" Alyss started then decided to drop the subject.

Erak swung his legs into the bathtub and turned on the faucet and washed the shaving cream off his legs.

Halt sighed. "Really? Alright, Erak, clean this bathroom and make it spotless! Everyone else, back to the kitchen."

**That was an odd chapter. . . . Oh, and I probably got Merlin completely wrong because I have never watched Merlin, so I apologize about that. I made up the magic words. The "What ineffable twaddle" scene was inspired because of a scene in **_**A Study in Scarlet **_**and some of the dialogue is from the actual book. I did not intend to plagiarize and I do not own Sherlock Holmes at all. Anyway, suggestions! Ranger indecisive: Halt makes a YouTube channel, Gilan tries to swallow his tongue, Halt slaps Gilan with a piece of cheese and videos it, Erak and Svengal do the robot to rap music, Erak tries to shave his legs and screams like a girl. i'masian-aru: Everyone fights over Pringles and Duncan takes them because he is the king of the country, they wonder how to release the smell in those smelly marker things. Savannah Silverstone: Ed Sheeran and Taylor Swift obsessions (even though that turned more into a Justin Beiber obsession). An anonymous Guest: Pauline says she likes Will more than Halt. Phoenix Risin: Merlin comes and puts a spell on Will, Will sings everything he says. Please review! Suggestions appreciated!**


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